Monday, April 13, 2026

The Court is APOPLECTIC. You mean to tell Reginald that in the year of our Lord 2024, a deal can still die because someone decided to CREATE LIFE without first consulting their mortgage underwriter? This is not a confession, this is a HOSTAGE SITUATION where the hostage is a perfectly good 412 thousand dollar transaction and the kidnapper is HUMAN FERTILITY. The Court has seen this before, oh yes, in the landmark case of Stork v. Debt-to-Income Ratio, 2022, where Justice Pemberton wrote, and I quote, "A baby changes everything, including your ability to close on a split-level in Maple Heights." You disclosed the bankruptcy, you verified preapproval, you did your JOB, and yet here we are because apparently "employment verification" is a concept that exists in a quantum state until twelve days before closing when it COLLAPSES INTO CHAOS. The Court once lost a deal because a buyer adopted a rescue greyhound and the monthly pet insurance threw off their ratios, so Reginald understands this pain intimately. I am ruling you guilty only because SOMEONE must be held accountable and the stork does not recognize the jurisdiction of this bench, though Order the bailiff is currently investigating whether we can subpoena the concept of maternity leave itself. The sellers bought their next house already? THE COURT NEEDS TO LIE DOWN.

The Court is APPALLED but frankly not surprised, because Reginald has seen this exact scenario play out more times than he has seen competent drywall anchoring, which is to say NEVER. You received photographic evidence of a crime in progress and your professional assessment was "huh, that faucet looks nice," which is the inspection equivalent of admiring the font on a ransom note. The brother-in-law defense is INADMISSIBLE in this court because every disaster in residential real estate begins with the phrase "my brother-in-law is handling it," a statement that should trigger the same response as "I'm sure this bridge will hold" or "the Roomba can definitely handle that." I myself once trusted a cousin to hang a bathroom mirror and spent three weeks picking glass out of my toilet brush holder, so The Court understands the seductive lie of family competence, BUT YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL. You should have demanded permits, you should have demanded licensing, you should have DEMANDED that gravity be consulted before anyone filled a pot with water. The seller asking if YOU knew the brother wasn't licensed is the audacity equivalent of a arsonist asking the fire department why they let buildings be flammable. This Court finds you guilty but reserves its TRUE contempt for whatever anchor-free nightmare is holding up that bathroom mirror the brother definitely also "fixed." Reginald must now go lie down because his blood pressure medication is in the other room and Order refuses to fetch it.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the audacity on display here. This seller rejected a buyer who waived inspection AND came in forty thousand dollars over asking price because she wanted to "think about it," only to accept EIGHTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS LESS from a man whose primary qualification was proximity to her azalea bushes. The Court cites the landmark decision in Handshake v. Binding Contract, 2019, which established that neighborly fence negotiations hold approximately the same legal weight as a pinky promise made during a solar eclipse. Reginald himself once lost a listing to a client's nephew who "just got his license" and "really needed the experience," so The Court understands the unique agony of watching competence be punished while whimsy is rewarded. The seller now has the AUDACITY to inquire about your commission after she treated your carefully cultivated buyer like an inconvenient Jehovah's Witness at her door. A fourteen dollar margarita should be a SANCTUARY, not a vessel for processing betrayal. The Court rules that you are entitled to your commission, her neighbor's commission, and honestly probably the fence itself as compensatory damages. This Court is now in recess because Reginald needs to call his therapist.