Saturday, April 25, 2026

The Court has reviewed this WEEK-LONG HOSTAGE SITUATION and frankly Reginald needs a moment because THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO MY COUSIN'S TIMESHARE IN PENSACOLA. You stood by while a neighborhood cat conducted what can only be described as a six-day interior demolition project, turning a professionally staged living room into what I can only assume now resembles the floor of a PetSmart after an earthquake. The Court finds it UNCONSCIONABLE that a $4,200 sofa was sacrificed to the whims of a creature whose entire life philosophy is knocking things off tables, and do not even get me started on the three hundred and forty dollars for throw pillows because I KNOW those were from HomeGoods and cost eleven dollars each MAXIMUM. The heating vent hair situation alone constitutes a Class B felony under In re: That One Listing With The Ferret Problem, 2019, and the fact that you dropped the price TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS while the perpetrator is next door quote living its best life unquote is the kind of injustice that makes The Council of Gavels WEEP. The neighbor knows what they did, the cat knows what it did, and THIS COURT KNOWS WHAT EVERYONE DID.

The Court has reviewed this testimony and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the suggestion that a real estate professional of your alleged caliber simply ACCEPTED the browser question without demanding to speak to that technician's supervisor, their supervisor's supervisor, and ideally the ghost of whoever invented online banking portals in the first place. "Have you tried a different browser" — Reginald once received this exact advice from a Geek Squad employee and subsequently filed a grievance with the Better Business Bureau that remains PENDING to this day because SOME OF US follow through. You sat on hold for two hours like a PASSIVE PARTICIPANT in your own professional demise when the correct response was to drive physically to the nearest Chase branch and REFUSE TO LEAVE until someone with actual system access materialized, as established in the landmark case of Escrow v. That Time My Own Closing Got Delayed And I Camped In The Lobby Until Security Recognized My Determination, 2017. The sellers lived in a HOTEL, the buyers almost walked, and your commission was carved up like a Thanksgiving turkey at a family gathering where nobody actually likes each other — and yet you come before this Court seeking SYMPATHY rather than JUDGMENT. The bank sent an email saying "services have been restored" with the emotional depth of a refrigerator manual, and you ACCEPTED this non-apology like it was legal tender. This Court hereby orders you to print that email, frame it, and hang it above your desk as a monument to the day you let a crashed portal crash your entire professional dignity. Reginald must now go lie down.

The Court has reviewed this testimony and finds itself DEEPLY DISTURBED by the image of a sixty-something woman dismantling drain pipes with her bare hands while you stood there clutching baked goods like a confused caterer at a hostage situation. This is not an open house, this is an ambush, and you brought COOKIES to a POLYBUTYLENE FIGHT. Reginald himself once had a similar experience when a man at a showing began knocking on walls and announcing "that's not load-bearing" to anyone who would listen, and I did NOTHING, and that man later became my brother-in-law, and now every Thanksgiving he tells me which of my walls are "suggestions." You should have TACKLED that woman, or at least offered her a snickerdoodle as a DISTRACTION, but instead you let her hand out business cards like some kind of pipe-obsessed Johnny Appleseed sowing seeds of doubt in YOUR listing. The inspector who missed this should be tried separately, but YOU allowed a competitor to conduct a live audit of your property's circulatory system in front of the buyer, and The Court cannot abide such paralysis. Those cookies have been in your car for HOW long? Reginald is issuing a separate warrant for whatever is growing in that Tupperware. CASE CLOSED, The Court must now go check its own pipes and will not be taking questions.