Tuesday, May 12, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the audacity of citing six-month-old comps like they were carved into stone tablets by Moses himself. Six months ago the market was a different SPECIES, counsel, and you KNEW this by day twelve — DAY TWELVE — yet you continued to blame interest rates like they personally broke into that listing and sabotaged it. Reginald once held onto a belief for too long as well, specifically that my ex-wife would return my Le Creuset dutch oven, but even I eventually accepted reality and that was about COOKWARE not someone's LIFE SAVINGS. You watched this family hemorrhage twenty thousand dollars in carrying costs while you hid behind the word "seasonal" like it was a legal defense, and when that poor husband thanked you at closing, the universe itself dry-heaved. The Court finds it particularly DAMNING that you almost vomited in the parking lot because that means your BODY knew the truth even while your mouth kept lying. I am citing the landmark case of Denial v. Basic Professional Responsibility, 2019, in which the Court held that "hoping the market will prove you right is not a pricing strategy, it is a COPING MECHANISM." This Court is now adjourned because Reginald needs to go outside and scream at a tree.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the sequence of events described herein. You watched this woman set up ALERTS, counselor. ALERTS. Her husband TOLD YOU she was treating a website's random number generator like the Dead Sea Scrolls, and you responded with LAUGHTER. This is not a joke. This is Zillow v. Common Sense, 2021, all over again, a case Reginald ruled on from his home office while eating a rotisserie chicken, and which established that any agent who observes Zestimate dependency and fails to intervene is guilty of what we in the legal community call "just standing there." You had a woman whose entire financial worldview was being shaped by an algorithm that once valued my cousin's duplex at negative twelve dollars, and your response was to assume the appraisal would fix it. THE APPRAISAL. As if facts have ever defeated faith. I once tried to explain to my brother-in-law that his koi pond did not add forty thousand dollars in value and he stopped speaking to me for six months, so I understand the delicacy here, but TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS is now gone because you treated a clear warning sign like cocktail party banter. The Court must now adjourn because Order has become stuck under the credenza and is making concerning noises.

The Court is APOPLECTIC at this display of passivity in the face of what can only be described as domestic terrorism with a slider door. You stood there, in YOUR open house, while some rejected-offer-having, fence-line-lurking MENACE waltzed in and performed what I can only call basement slander, and you did NOTHING? Where was the immediate pivot to "Oh wonderful, the neighbors are so friendly here, this gentleman actually tried to buy this home himself because he loves the area SO MUCH"? Where was the tactical reframe, the verbal judo, the SHOWMANSHIP? Reginald once had a man claim during an open house that the previous owner had been a taxidermist of questionable ethics, and I simply announced that the home came with "artisanal wildlife preservation history" and sold it for twelve thousand over asking. This confession reminds me of my second wife, who also let people walk all over her, specifically her yoga instructor, which is why I now preside over divorces I am not legally permitted to adjudicate. Four extra months on market because you let some slider-door vigilante run psychological warfare on your buyers, and he STILL got to buy on the same street? The Court finds this outcome personally offensive and must now go lie down.