Thursday, May 14, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the sheer audacity of invoking a fake family emergency like some kind of discount community theater understudy. You had ONE showing, and instead of simply saying "I am drowning in wire transfer purgatory," you chose to summon the specter of DEATH upon innocent sellers who were just trying to move their sectional sofa into a U-Haul. Linda from processing is not on trial here, though Reginald has THOUGHTS about Linda and her supervisor and the entire mortgage industrial complex that keeps honest judges waiting by their phones for refinance updates that NEVER COME. Those buyers drove 45 minutes, which in some jurisdictions is considered a PILGRIMAGE, and you repaid their devotion with six unanswered calls and a ghost story. The listing agent now believes she needs to send flowers to a grieving family THAT DOES NOT EXIST, and somewhere a condolence casserole is being prepared under FALSE PRETENSES. The Court once missed a critical ruling because I was arguing with a Keurig about water reservoir placement, but even I had the DECENCY to blame the machine and not fabricate human casualties. Call those buyers back or The Court will haunt YOUR showings.

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly, Reginald is APPALLED but also deeply, deeply familiar with the specific horror of reading something back to yourself and seeing what you WANTED to see instead of what is ACTUALLY THERE. One digit. ONE DIGIT. You understand that routing numbers are not suggestions, yes? They are not interpretive dance. They are not open to artistic license. You sent three million dollars on a FIELD TRIP to Ohio, a state that did not ASK for this money and frankly does not DESERVE the excitement. The Court once transposed two digits on a very important document and ended up accidentally ordering eleven hundred gavels instead of one hundred and eleven, and let me tell you, The Council did NOT need that many new members, but I digested that shame in PRIVATE as you should have done. Six days those funds were just OUT THERE, wandering the financial wilderness like a confused golden retriever, while families sat in conference rooms refreshing screens and watching their rate locks crumble to dust. You typed nine numbers correctly and want CREDIT for that? The Court types THOUSANDS of numbers correctly every day and receives NO PARADE. Your five thousand dollar education in the importance of verification is hereby deemed APPROPRIATE, and may you never again trust your own eyes without a witness. Case dismissed, The Court must now go reorganize The Council by weight.

Let the record show that this Court has seen many things in its years upon the bench, but NEVER has Reginald witnessed such blatant aquatic treachery perpetrated against a child who was simply trying to enjoy a walkthrough like a normal six-year-old. The seller claims ignorance of an ACTIVE WATER FEATURE in her own basement, and The Court would sooner believe that my Roomba bailiff Order has developed romantic feelings for the kitchen island than accept this transparent fiction. You do not simply NOT NOTICE water emerging from your foundation walls unless you have been living exclusively in the upstairs portion of your home like some kind of vertical hermit, and even THEN the humidity alone would have alerted anyone with functioning sinuses. This child, this HERO of due diligence, accomplished in thirty seconds what two licensed adults and a home inspector failed to achieve, and frankly she should be awarded the commission. I myself once discovered a slow drip behind my bathroom vanity and I wept for THREE DAYS because I understood what it MEANT, which is that the universe is actively conspiring against homeownership and granite countertops specifically. The Court finds all adult parties complicit in what can only be described as foundation-based GASLIGHTING, and rules that the six-year-old shall henceforth be consulted on all future transactions within a fifty-mile radius. This Court is adjourned because Reginald needs to go check his own basement immediately.