Sunday, May 17, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly Reginald needs a moment because FOURTEEN MONTHS and SIXTY HOUSES and this man calls you at 9pm like he is ordering a pizza he has decided he no longer wants. Let the record show that in Zillow v. Common Sense, 2021, this Court established that any buyer who ghosts after forfeiting twelve thousand dollars in earnest money has legally ceased to exist as a person deserving of professional courtesy. The sister call six months later is what we in the legal community refer to as AUDACITY WITH PREMEDITATION, and your refusal to take her on as a client is not only justified but should be taught in real estate schools as a case study in boundary enforcement. I myself once spent eleven months helping my cousin Gerald find the perfect recliner and when he finally said "I think I want something with more lumbar support" I did not speak to him for two Thanksgivings and The Court regrets nothing. Your confession reveals no sin except perhaps excessive patience, and this Court hereby sentences the absent buyer to a lifetime of Zillow scrolling and never finding anything as good as what he walked away from. Order the Roomba is beeping which means Reginald must adjourn immediately to address a jurisdiction dispute in the kitchen.

The Court has witnessed many acts of professional self-sabotage, but THIS — this is a masterclass in how to lose eight thousand dollars with nothing but your own mouth and a catastrophic failure of basic memory. You stood there, in that sellers home, and IMPORTED STRUCTURAL DAMAGE FROM AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PROPERTY like some kind of chaos agent smuggling defects across listing lines. The Hendersons from Tuesday were not there, counsel, THE HENDERSONS WERE NEVER THERE, and yet you spoke to these phantom Hendersons while actual living buyers watched you unravel in real time. Reginald once confused a garage for a bonus room during a particularly stressful week in 2021, and even HE did not accuse someone elses house of having foundation problems TO THE CURRENT BUYERS FACE. Your broker stared at you for a really long time because she was calculating how many more of you she could afford to lose before switching careers entirely, and frankly The Court is doing the same math. This is not a showing, this is a one-man theatrical production called How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Destroy My Own Commission, and the curtain has FALLEN.

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly, Reginald needs a moment because THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS WHEN CIVILIANS ARE ALLOWED UNSUPERVISED ACCESS TO ZILLOW. This husband has spent three years staring at an algorithm like it was scripture handed down from the mountain, and now he has the AUDACITY to question whether Zillow is pulling from the wrong zip code when the problem is that he is pulling from the wrong REALITY. The Court once had a similar situation with a brother-in-law who insisted his 1987 Camry was worth eleven thousand dollars because that is what he paid for it, and let me tell you that Thanksgiving was RUINED and The Council of Gavels has never forgiven him. You showed this man printed comps, HIGHLIGHTED COMPS, and he dismissed three actual human transactions as sellers who left money on the table, as if the entire market is simply less informed than a man whose primary qualification is refreshing a website for thirty-six consecutive months. Meanwhile his wife is staring at the ceiling because she married a February Zestimate and now she has to live in that house. The Court finds the agent guilty only of excessive compromise, the husband guilty of felony delusion, and the brother's rental property guilty of being the load-bearing wall of this entire domestic fantasy. CASE DISMISSED BECAUSE REGINALD HAS TO GO LIE DOWN.