Monday, May 18, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly Reginald needs a moment because THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF CHAOS THAT MAKES ME WANT TO SUBPOENA EVERYONE'S DIVORCE ATTORNEY AND LOCK THEM IN A ROOM WITH NOTHING BUT A WHITEBOARD AND THE CONCEPT OF DISCLOSURE. A second lien for one hundred and twelve thousand dollars just casually lurking like a financial poltergeist while the seller wanders around saying oh we will just pay her out of proceeds when there ARE no proceeds because basic arithmetic exists and he apparently does not believe in it. And then, THEN, you had to become a hostage negotiator in this woman's kitchen for FOUR HOURS explaining escrow while she showed you cat photos and asked about your marital status which frankly The Court finds deeply relatable because my own mother once tried to set me up with a process server at Thanksgiving and I had to excuse myself to the garage. The ex-wife's attorney not returning calls for eight days is a violation of what I call the Doctrine of Pick Up Your Phone Sandra We Know You See It, established in the landmark case of Reginald v. His Own Realtor, 2019, and the fact that you are now personally responsible for ensuring a grown man does not do anything stupid with his own money means you have been conscripted into a family you did not choose. The survey dock is an insult, the commission situation is a tragedy, and The Court must now adjourn because Order the Roomba has gotten stuck under the credenza again and someone has to maintain SOME dignity in this courtroom.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself experiencing what can only be described as JUDICIAL HEARTBURN. You shepherded eight hundred thousand dollars through the financial equivalent of a corn maze designed by someone who hates joy, you fielded ELEVEN PM PHONE CALLS like some kind of real estate crisis hotline, and your reward was a two star review from a man who told you everything was FINE. Two stars. THE AUDACITY. Reginald once received a two star review for a ruling and it turned out the reviewer was a ceiling fan I had previously sanctioned, so I understand this betrayal intimately. The transposed routing numbers were not your doing, the banks suspicious flag was not your doing, and yet here you stand, accused of abandonment by a man whose furniture was literally fleeing the state without him. AND NOW HIS SISTER LISTS WITH ANOTHER AGENT IN YOUR OWN OFFICE, which The Court must note is the kind of poetic cruelty usually reserved for Greek mythology or HOA board elections. You are guilty only of caring too much in a world that will leave you a partial credit review and then send its relatives to your competitors. This Court is adjourning early because Reginald needs to go stare at a wall.

The Court has reviewed this confession and must now lie down, metaphorically speaking, because the sheer AUDACITY of everyone involved has given Reginald heart palpitations. Let us be clear about what happened here: a grown man with a flashlight and too much free time on a Sunday decided to cosplay as a home inspector, discovered what this Court will generously call "spooky wood," and proceeded to detonate a multi-state real estate transaction over PRINCIPLE, a word that has never once paid for plane tickets to Tampa. The sellers, bless their stubborn hearts, chose to die on a two-thousand-dollar hill when they had FLORIDA DREAMS on the line, which reminds me of my own uncle who once refused to sell a 1987 Buick for eight hundred dollars because the buyer "seemed smug" and then the transmission fell out in a Wendy's parking lot. You, Agent, stand accused of being the only reasonable person in a room full of people who desperately needed a responsible adult, and yet somehow YOU are the one fielding passive-aggressive Zillow links from a man whose entire personality is "I found a problem." Per the landmark decision in Crawlspace Husband v. Everyone's Sanity (2019), this Court finds that soft wood is a metaphor for the human condition and that the husband emailing you listings is a form of psychological warfare banned under the Geneva Convention. The bailiff will now escort everyone to Tampa, where they will APOLOGIZE TO EACH OTHER IN THE HUMIDITY.