Thursday, May 28, 2026

The Court is TREMBLING with indignation, and not just because Reginald skipped his second breakfast. You stood there, fully aware that a digital oracle had proclaimed a higher value, and you chose SILENCE? You chose CONVENIENCE? You thought explaining algorithms to a septuagenarian would be tedious, and now look at you, standing in MY courtroom while a daughter somewhere is furiously screenshotting Zillow like she just cracked the Watergate tapes. This Court once spent FORTY-SEVEN MINUTES explaining to my own mother why her Zestimate included a garage that was demolished in 1987, and did I complain? I complained EXTENSIVELY, but I still did it, because that is what INTEGRITY looks like. The comps may have supported your number, the roof may indeed be a disaster waiting to happen, but you handed that daughter a conspiracy theory on a silver platter when ten minutes of transparency would have inoculated everyone against this exact meltdown. In the landmark case of Zillow v. Common Sense, 2021, this Court ruled that the Zestimate is neither evidence nor prophecy but rather a CHAOS AGENT that must be addressed head-on like a raccoon in the garage, which I also have experience with. The buyer has moved on, the mother has gone silent, and the daughter has probably already posted about you in a Facebook group called something like REALTORS EXPOSED, and frankly, The Court must now adjourn because Order the Roomba has become stuck under the witness stand and is making a sound that suggests jurisdictional distress.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the phrase "boys will be boys," a statement which has historically been used to excuse everything from minor mischief to what we see here: THE PREMEDITATED ASSAULT OF CUSTOM MILLWORK BY A CHILD WHO APPARENTLY BELIEVES HE IS TRAINING FOR SOME KIND OF INDOOR SHOT PUT COMPETITION. Let Reginald be clear, when a decorative concrete sphere travels through drywall and OBLITERATES twelve thousand dollars worth of built-in shelving, we are no longer in "boys will be boys" territory, we are in "boys will be defendants" territory, and their parents will be CO-CONSPIRATORS. The audacity, the SHEER UNMITIGATED AUDACITY of then arguing the sellers should pay because the house "wasn't secured for children" suggests these buyers believe homes should come standard with padded walls and tranquilizer dart systems, and frankly The Court is now questioning whether YOUR bathroom retreat was strategic cowardice or the only thing standing between you and a complete psychological break. I once watched a Labrador knock a For Sale sign into a koi pond and felt more faith in that animal's judgment than I do in these parents, and I remind you that Labrador was later disbarred from my courtyard for unrelated reasons. The Court rules that you are guilty only of insufficient screaming, and that the buyers owe not just nine thousand dollars but a FORMAL WRITTEN APOLOGY to the concept of interior craftsmanship itself. Reginald must now go lie down.

The Court has witnessed many failures in its distinguished career, including the time Reginald accidentally presided over a zoning hearing in the wrong county for six hours, but THIS, this is a masterwork of professional incompetence that belongs in a museum. You showed a house that was NOT FOR SALE to a woman who was MEASURING FOR CURTAINS, and the only reason you weren't arrested is because the actual homeowner apparently possesses the supernatural patience of a golden retriever who has achieved enlightenment. The lockbox code worked because you WISHED it to work, and wishing is NOT due diligence, it is what children do before birthday candles, and The Court does not recognize birthday candle jurisprudence in this chamber. Your buyer was crying, CRYING, over a kitchen she could never have, and meanwhile the house she COULD buy had basement water damage which frankly sounds like the universe trying to teach you a lesson about the alphabet and how the numbers four-one-two and four-two-one are DIFFERENT NUMBERS arranged in a DIFFERENT ORDER. The fact that the homeowner waves at you is absolutely a threat and you should interpret it as such because that wave says I KNOW WHERE YOU WORK and honestly Reginald respects that energy. Order the Roomba agrees and has just bumped into my gavel rack in what I can only interpret as a verdict of profound disappointment.