Saturday, May 30, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the betrayal of sacred beach time. Let the record show that Reginald himself once had a poolside margarita ruined by a client who called to ask if granite countertops were spelled with an E, and the emotional scars remain TO THIS DAY. This seller, this chaos merchant, had the AUDACITY to invoke the legal expertise of an insurance neighbor, a NEIGHBOR, as grounds for contract nullification, and The Court must pause here to ask what exactly is happening at these barbecues because in my experience nothing good comes from taking real estate advice over a hot dog. The crying, the existential spiral, the casual callback as if reality had simply reset itself, this is not seller behavior, this is METEOROLOGICAL INSTABILITY wearing a human suit. Your warm drink haunts me, your wife's look haunts me MORE, and the fact that this woman will almost certainly close on schedule as if nothing happened is proof that justice is merely a concept we invented to feel better about chaos. The Court hereby sentences the neighbor to mandatory silence on all topics exceeding his professional licensure, and orders you to finish that vacation with a COLD beverage. Reginald must now adjourn, as Order the Roomba has detected crumbs in the deliberation chamber and we both know jurisdiction waits for no one.

The Court has reviewed this testimony and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the jurisdictional overreach of this neighbor, who has apparently appointed herself Chief Inspector of Basement Moisture despite holding NO credentials beyond what Reginald can only assume is a lifetime subscription to Nextdoor and an unresolved grudge against the concept of change. Let the record show that "I don't want the wrong people moving in" followed by "renters" is the kind of sentence that makes The Court want to subpoena someone's entire personality. A COUPLE WITH A BABY. They had a BABY. The basement flooded ONCE during a MUNICIPAL INFRASTRUCTURE FAILURE that affected HALF THE BLOCK and this woman described it as a SEASONAL AQUATIC ATTRACTION. I myself was once told by a neighbor that my lawn was "aggressively beige" and I have not recovered, so I understand the psychic damage of unsolicited adjacent opinions, but at least my neighbor didn't cost me twenty thousand dollars and four months of market time. The Court finds that your seller's attorney was correct about the lawsuit being impractical, which is the worst kind of correct. This neighbor has committed what we in the legal community call Being The Absolute Worst, see Kravitz v. Everyone On Her Street, 2022, and while The Court cannot restore your twelve thousand dollars, Reginald hereby sentences this neighbor to a lifetime of buyers who install above-ground pools and host weekly mariachi nights. The gavel has spoken and now The Court must go lie down.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself DEEPLY DISTURBED, not merely by the negligence on display, but by the audacity of assuming a loan officer's silence meant anything other than CATASTROPHE. Reginald himself once assumed a quiet title company meant smooth sailing and ended up testifying before a homeowners association tribunal for six hours about a fence easement that DID NOT EXIST. You had a PHONE. You had FINGERS. You had what The Court can only assume is a functioning prefrontal cortex, and yet you chose to sit there like a decorative throw pillow while twelve thousand dollars evaporated from the pockets of RETIRED PEOPLE ON FIXED INCOME. The buyer's agent should be hauled before this Court separately, yes, and the title company has MUCH to answer for, but YOU were the listing agent, YOU were the last line of defense, and YOU decided that three days before closing was a lovely time to practice the ancient art of HOPING REAL HARD. This Court hereby cites the landmark case of Somebody Should Have Called Somebody v. Now Look What Happened, 2019, in which the defendant similarly trusted silence and ended up crying in a Panera. The gavel has spoken, The Council concurs, and Reginald must now go water his fern because this ruling has upset him personally.