Thursday, June 4, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and must now lie down on the floor of this courtroom for several minutes. Your client has spent NINE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS on a person who stares at house numbers like they contain the secrets of the universe, and meanwhile Reginald's ex-wife spent forty thousand dollars on a kitchen renovation she said would bring us closer together and NOW SHE LIVES IN SCOTTSDALE WITH A MAN NAMED TERRY. But I digress. This so-called abundance coach has created a client who asked a seller to PETITION THE MUNICIPALITY to change their ADDRESS because the digits were insufficiently prosperous, and The Court must ask: did anyone in this transaction attend even a single day of school? In the landmark case of Basic Mathematics v. People Who Should Know Better, the court held that numbers are for COUNTING THINGS, not for determining whether a three-bedroom ranch will manifest your financial destiny. You negotiated twelve thousand dollars off a property she LOVED and she walked away because her eight-hundred-dollar-a-month guru did addition wrong, and frankly The Court is now concerned about what number YOUR commission adds up to because it appears to be ZERO. Reginald must now adjourn to consult with The Council about whether gavels can feel despair.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the phrase "still gathering documents." Gathering documents! GATHERING THEM! What was he gathering them INTO, a bonfire? A time capsule? The Court once dated someone who was "still gathering" their thoughts about our relationship for fourteen months and let me tell you, Reginald knew by week two that those thoughts were being gathered directly into the arms of a dental hygienist named Marcus. You saw this man shuffling papers like a three-card monte dealer on a subway platform, asking questions about "what buyers actually verify" — a question that has never once in human history been asked by an innocent person — and you chose MOMENTUM over VIGILANCE. The twelve thousand dollar lien was not forgotten, it was HIDDEN, and you were the security guard who heard glass breaking and assumed it was "probably just the wind." In the landmark case of Obviously Shady Seller v. Agent Who Wanted This To Be Over Already, 2022, the court ruled that "bad feelings in your gut are not decorative." This Court hereby sentences you to three months of demanding preliminary title reports before the listing ink is dry, and may God have mercy on your next escrow because Reginald certainly will not.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the audacity of this so-called buyer, but let us be clear, YOU enabled her. You answered the phone on a SUNDAY. A SUNDAY, counsel. The Lord rested on the seventh day and so should your ringtone. This woman wanted a soil sample for a house she was merely DATING, not even ENGAGED to, and you stood there with your spatula like some kind of breakfast-making hostage negotiator instead of saying what needed to be said, which is GOODBYE FOREVER. The Court once had a buyer ask me to verify the emotional stability of a mailbox and I said NO and then I said it again louder and then I blocked their number and THEN I moved to a different county, which is called BOUNDARIES. She toured four times without offering because you let her, because somewhere deep inside you thought maybe THIS time she would be normal, and Reginald is here to tell you that hope is a SCAM invented by people who answer Sunday calls. The neighbors hobbies are NOT YOUR JURISDICTION. This Court must now adjourn because Order the Roomba has entered the chamber and requires emotional support after hearing this testimony.