Saturday, June 6, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession no fewer than six times, and each reading has caused Reginald to develop a new facial tic. You walked a buyer through a property THREE TIMES and never once thought to glance at the numbers on the house? The numbers, counsel. THE NUMBERS THAT EXIST SPECIFICALLY TO PREVENT THIS EXACT SCENARIO. This Court once dismissed a case against a golden retriever for eating a purchase agreement because at least the dog had the excuse of being a dog, but you, a licensed professional with presumably functional eyeballs, managed to close on an entirely different structure while everyone involved apparently operated on the honor system. The seller owned both and forgot which one she was selling? The Court forgot where it parked once at a Costco, but that Costco was not worth THREE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. And the title company caught nothing because title companies, as established in Escrow v. The Concept of Due Diligence (2022), exist primarily to collect fees and provide refreshments. Your broker asked how this happens and you said you dont know, but The Court knows exactly how this happens: it happens when an entire industry decides that actually looking at things is optional. Reginald hereby sentences you to tattoo the words CHECK THE ADDRESS on your dominant hand, and this Court is adjourned because I need to go verify that my own house is in fact my house.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself in the EXTRAORDINARY position of wanting to bang the gavel so hard it cracks the bench, not at the accused, but at the AUDACITY of this nephew situation. Fifty-eight days. FIFTY-EIGHT DAYS of your marketing, your open houses, your professionally staged throw pillows, and some kid who got licensed while you were already deep in the trenches just waltzes in to collect twelve thousand dollars like he is picking up a DoorDash order. The Court once had a cousin attempt to claim credit for Reginald's prize-winning azalea arrangement at a family reunion, and I did not speak to that branch of the family for six years, so I UNDERSTAND the depths of this betrayal. You did not send the comps, and the nephew had the UNMITIGATED GALL to ask for them, as if you are some kind of mentorship program and not a professional who just got financially kneecapped by bloodline favoritism. Is it petty? Perhaps. Is it a proportionate response to losing twelve thousand dollars to a man whose real estate experience could be measured in WEEKS? The Court finds it practically restrained. Your AC has been broken since AUGUST, the seller has chosen chaos, and The Court hereby rules that you are guilty only of being too gracious in even answering that phone call. Reginald must now adjourn to scream into a decorative pillow about the state of listing protection periods.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the injustice perpetrated against you by these measuring-tape vigilantes who apparently believed the backyard would expand like a sponge dinosaur once they took ownership. Let Reginald be absolutely clear — these people had a SURVEY, a DISCLOSURE, and presumably functioning EYEBALLS during their walkthrough, yet somehow the grass betrayed them at the eleventh hour. I once had a client try to back out because the garage "felt judgmental" and even THAT made more sense than measuring your future lawn three days before closing like you're solving a crime. The audacity of leaving two stars — TWO STARS — as if that one withheld star was their final act of mercy, their gift to you, their acknowledgment that you technically answered the phone at 11 PM while they weaponized the phrase "we feel deceived" like a incantation that would summon the Contract Dissolution Fairy. You should have told them that feelings are not a title exception and that The Court once ruled against a birdbath for creating "unrealistic expectations of outdoor ambiance" in Simmons v. That Decorative Frog, 2022. The two-star review is your Purple Heart, agent — wear it with pride, for you have survived combat with people who believed vibes superseded surveys.