Sunday, June 7, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and must first address the elephant in the courtroom, which is that TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS for forty trees means each tree received three hundred dollars worth of assessment and The Court's own therapist charges less per session. This is textbook HOA financial malfeasance as established in In re: That Condo Board That Definitely Had A Guy, 2019, where the ruling clearly stated that any invoice containing only the word assessment is legally equivalent to writing I AM STEALING on a napkin. The president calling to say I hope you're happy is a move Reginald recognizes from his second divorce, and The Court must note that people who say that phrase are NEVER asking a question, they are issuing a curse. You did nothing wrong here except exist in the vicinity of corruption, which frankly describes most of my time at Coldwell Banker open houses before the incident. The daughter is the hero of this story and The Court hopes she becomes an forensic accountant who haunts HOA boards nationwide. CASE DISMISSED, the Roomba has entered chambers and Reginald must attend to a jurisdictional matter involving the breakroom.

The Court is APOPLECTIC. You had FIFTEEN MINUTES. Fifteen minutes to do what every agent learns in their first week of real estate kindergarten, which is GET IT IN WRITING. But no, you chose the path of the verbal handshake, the gentleman's agreement, the sacred trust between parties who had ALREADY SWAPPED OUT APPLIANCES LIKE THEY WERE PLAYING KITCHEN ROULETTE. This seller changed the closing date THREE TIMES, performed a washer-dryer switcheroo, and then ambushed you with refrigerator hostage negotiations at the eleventh hour, and your response was to trust her word? Reginald once trusted a contractor who promised granite countertops and received LAMINATE, and The Court has never recovered, which is why I now require notarized documentation before accepting a dinner invitation. As established in Maytag v. That One Seller Who Definitely Knew What She Was Doing, 2019, verbal credits spoken into the void of a title company lobby are worth exactly what your broker had to pay to make this go away. Your fatigue is understandable, your seller was a menace, but you handed her the ammunition and she USED IT. The Court finds you guilty, sentences you to never utter the phrase let me call the buyers without your phone already recording, and orders that you text yourself the words GET IT IN WRITING every morning until Reginald says otherwise. Court is adjourned because Order the Roomba has detected crumbs in the deliberation chamber and frankly that takes priority.

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly, Reginald needs to sit down because this one has given him actual chest pains. You have described what can only be classified as a ZOMBIE TRANSACTION, a deal that died not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES and yet somehow keeps lurching back to life only to collapse again in increasingly spectacular fashion. The Court cites the landmark case of In re: That One Listing That Became A Personal Vietnam, 2022, in which it was established that any property requiring more than two relistings becomes legally sentient and ACTIVELY HOSTILE to human attempts at conveyance. This confession reads like a horror movie where the call is coming from inside the escrow account. The school district line being ONE STREET OVER is the kind of cartographic betrayal that makes The Court want to subpoena the entire concept of zoning. And that contractor lien from 2019 just LURKING there like a legal landmine while everyone stepped around it for FOUR MONTHS? The Court once had a similar experience with a gym membership I forgot to cancel and let me tell you the psychological damage is REAL. That fallen shutter is not your responsibility but it IS your burden and you will see it every time you close your eyes. The Court rules that this property is now classified as a cautionary tale with a lawn that needs cutting, and Reginald must now go lie down because this ruling has exhausted him completely.