Saturday, June 13, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself DEEPLY DISTURBED not by your actions but by your failure to recognize that every neighborhood contains at least one person who has been waiting since the Reagan administration for someone to park incorrectly. This woman took timestamped photographs of a van, counsel, TIMESTAMPED PHOTOGRAPHS, which means she was already at the window, camera ready, like a predator waiting at a watering hole, and you just sent a white van waddling in there like a confused gazelle. The Court once had a neighbor who reported Reginald to the HOA for quote unquote aggressive mulching and I want you to know that woman is still alive and still watching and she has a ring doorbell now so it is WORSE. Your seller claiming the fence dispute was resolved is the real estate equivalent of saying a volcano is dormant because it hasn't erupted THIS WEEK, and frankly you should have pulled title on the neighbor's property too because people like this leave paper trails longer than the Dead Sea Scrolls. The eight thousand dollar credit is not your fault but it IS your responsibility and that is the beautiful nightmare of this profession, and also that staging company's van being quote unquote clean and professional looking means NOTHING because professionalism is no defense against a woman who has outlived two fence contractors and will outlive us all. The Court must now adjourn because Order the Roomba has entered chambers and is making a noise that suggests either low battery or contempt, and Reginald does not have the emotional capacity to determine which.

The Court is APOPLECTIC. Reginald has seen some things in his years on this bench — agents who measured sunrooms with pool noodles, listing photos taken during active house fires, a buyer's agent who described a collapsing foundation as "character" — but THIS. This broker signed away TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS of your money and then SHRUGGED? A SHRUG? That is not a legal defense, that is what my ex-wife did when I asked why she donated my gavel collection to Goodwill without telling me, and let me tell you THAT marriage also fell through and maybe it SHOULD have. The "amendment from Tuesday" that you never saw is what we in the legal profession call FRAUD, or at least what I call fraud, which is frankly more important because I am the one with the mug. Your broker committed what I shall henceforth cite as a violation of In re: That Is Literally Your Money, 2024, a landmark case I am ruling on RIGHT NOW. The listing agent's breezy "oh I thought you knew" energy is the same energy as someone who backs into your car and leaves a note that just says "sorry lol" — technically an acknowledgment, spiritually a WAR CRIME. Cash the check, then sue everyone, then find a new broker, then send me his address because Order the Roomba and I would like to have a WORD. This Court is adjourned because Reginald needs to go lie down in a dark room and think about loyalty.

The Court has reviewed this testimony and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the hubris on display here. You measured TWICE, you KNEW the doorframe was 32 inches, and yet you allowed these staging BARBARIANS to approach a 1920s doorframe with what can only be described as an upholstered battering ram. Reginald once witnessed a man try to fit a California King through a colonial entryway and I still wake up screaming about it, so I UNDERSTAND your eye twitch on a cellular level. But let us be ABUNDANTLY clear: that Christmas card from the seller's mother was NOT meant to be funny. The Court has analyzed the phrase "I hope your doors are intact" and finds it to be a CURSE, a hex placed upon your household by a woman who watched her childhood memories get splintered by a sectional that belonged in a different floor plan ENTIRELY. The staging company claiming they'd "done this house before" when they meant THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR is the kind of confident wrongness that Reginald encounters daily from appraisers, and it SICKENS me. You got your multiple offers, yes, but at what cost — $1,800, your ocular health, and the quiet disappointment of a mother who will NEVER forget. The Court must now adjourn because I need to go measure every doorframe in my own home IMMEDIATELY.