Sunday, June 14, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession with the same weary resignation Reginald feels when explaining to his sister-in-law that her essential oils business is not, in fact, a tax write-off. You stood in that kitchen, THAT BEAUTIFUL KITCHEN WITH THE GRANITE THE SELLERS JUST REDID, and you were forced to debate epistemology with a man who believes an algorithm that hallucinates basements into existence is MORE RELIABLE than the licensed professional standing in front of him pointing at the ACTUAL FLOOR. "But it's an algorithm," he says, as if algorithms are not also responsible for recommending I watch seventeen hours of pressure washing videos and suggesting I might enjoy purchasing my own coffin on Amazon. The Court has personally attempted to correct a Zillow error regarding a property that does not exist and received a response that can only be described as "digital shrugging." You called TWICE, and twice you were told they would "look into it," which in Zillow's language means they will feed your request to the same basement-inventing machine and hope it forgets. The buyers offered 285 thousand dollars for a home with comparable sales at 340 because a website with the journalistic integrity of a fortune cookie told them to, and somehow YOU are the villain in this narrative. This Court finds you guilty only of maintaining professionalism when you should have asked that man to show you ONE TEXT MESSAGE where autocorrect understood what he actually meant. The gavel has spoken, and Reginald must now go outside and scream at a cloud.

The Court is APOPLECTIC. A 2019 Camry — a CAMRY, the beige cardigan of automobiles — was deemed insufficiently prestigious for a DRIVEWAY? Reginald himself drives a 2017 Buick LaCrosse and has NEVER been asked to hide it, though admittedly The Court has received some pointed looks from a neighbor who shall remain nameless but whose name rhymes with Schmeverly. But THIS — this confession reveals you stood idly by while a furniture fascist held a transaction hostage over COUCH PIGMENTATION. The buyer PAINTED her couch! Do you understand what that means? That woman's soul died so escrow could close, and you just watched it happen like a bystander at a HOA-sponsored execution. The Court finds it deeply troubling that you seem almost AMUSED by the HOA president's subsequent demise, as if the universe itself rendered judgment — which, to be clear, is MY job, not the universe's. As established in Zillow v. Common Sense, 2021, an agent has an affirmative duty to tell busybody HOA tyrants to pound sand, or at minimum to protect their clients from having to commit upholstery crimes. You did neither. The gavel has spoken, Order the Roomba is circling menacingly, and Reginald must now go lie down because this confession has given him a tension headache directly behind his left eye.

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly, Reginald needs a moment. "Seepage" versus "flooding" is not a LEGAL DISTINCTION, it is what happens when a seller watches too many HGTV renovation shows and thinks wordplay constitutes disclosure compliance. Your seller asked why you cannot control a 60-year-old man in his own yard, and The Court must ask: DID YOU TRY? Did you offer him a gift basket? A firm handshake? A pamphlet about minding one's own business? No, you did not, because you were too busy watching six offers evaporate like morning dew on a poorly graded foundation. I once had a neighbor who insisted on telling everyone my lawn had "drainage personality" and you know what I did? I moved. I MOVED, counsel. The buyer's agent demanding 80k off is frankly RESTRAINED given that your listing has now become the neighborhood's most popular cautionary tale, and The Court suspects that "seepage" will follow this property like a nickname follows a man who once cried at a open house because the breakfast nook reminded him of his mother. The gavel has spoken, Order the Roomba is circling ominously, and this Court finds you guilty of hoping geography would save you from hydrology.