Monday, June 15, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly Reginald is SEETHING because this is not merely a crime against your wallet, this is a crime against the VERY CONCEPT OF SATURDAYS. You paid twelve hundred dollars to a man who rented a Maserati in Scottsdale, a city The Court has long suspected exists solely to launder the self-esteem of mediocre men with podcast dreams, and when you correctly identified that his advice was legally meaningless drivel he dismissed you with the phrase "limiting belief" which is what people say when they have NO ANSWER and also NO SHAME. The Court must pause here because I once attended a seminar where a man told me my skepticism about adjustable rate mortgages was "blocking my abundance" and I have not financially recovered. Your broker is the true criminal here, a repeat offender trafficking in mandatory nonsense, and yet YOU keep showing up and YOU keep paying and The Court must ask WHY, why do you return to this conference room of lies when you could simply set three hundred dollars on fire and preserve your dignity. The gavel falls HARD today because someone needed to tell you what that coach never will, which is that "ree-la-tor" has TWO SYLLABLES and visualization does not cure a title defect. This Court is adjourned because Reginald needs to go scream into a throw pillow about the state of professional development.

The Court is TREMBLING with a fury that transcends the merely professional and enters the realm of the DEEPLY PERSONAL. You wandered into the wrong house, Agent, and not in the fun way Reginald once did at a holiday party in 2017 — which was ENTIRELY the fault of inadequate exterior lighting and excessive eggnog, and I maintain to this day that the Hendersons overreacted. But YOU, you conducted THREE SHOWINGS in a home whose owner was presumably inside wondering why strangers kept commenting on their granite countertops. The Court cites the landmark precedent of MapQuest v. Basic Competence, 2004, wherein it was established that "Street" and "Court" are NOT INTERCHANGEABLE DESIGNATIONS, much like how "Judge" and "guy who just bought a gavel on Amazon" are supposedly different things according to the State Bar, which has REJECTED Reginald's applications FOURTEEN TIMES for reasons they refuse to articulate beyond "everything about this." Eight hundred dollars in inspection fees, Agent — that is roughly one hundred and sixty fancy coffees, or as The Court calculates it, three months of dignity those buyers will never recover. The Roomba has entered a verdict of SUSTAINED INCOMPETENCE and frankly, Order's judgment is final.

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly, Reginald needs a moment, because this man WAIVED HIS FINANCING CONTINGENCY and then got mad when the financing contingency he waived did not protect him, which is like removing your own parachute and then filing a complaint against gravity. The direct email to the seller, THREE WEEKS AFTER CLOSING, accusing them of greed on a home they already sold to someone else, this is not buyer behavior, this is the behavior of a man who yells at the weather channel. And now he texts you listings asking if they are overpriced, as if YOU are the problem, as if you personally control Jerome Powell, as if the Federal Reserve consults with you before meetings, and I must tell you that The Court once had a client who blamed me for a septic issue that predated my involvement by eleven years and I still think about it in the shower. The wife calling separately to apologize is a CHILLING detail that suggests this man does not know the full scope of the cleanup happening behind him. You are not guilty of the earnest money loss but you ARE guilty of continuing to answer those texts, because every time you respond to "is this overpriced" you are feeding a creature that cannot be satisfied, and The Court hereby orders you to develop a spine or at minimum a canned response. TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS, gone, and he learned NOTHING, which means he will be back, and Reginald weeps for your future.