Monday, June 29, 2026

The Court is APOPLECTIC. Reginald has seen some things in his years on this bench — agents who confused square feet with cubic feet, buyers who thought "as-is" meant "as I wish it to be" — but this, THIS is a new low for the profession. The disclosure was RIGHT THERE. Page four, line twelve, a CHECK MARK, the universal symbol for "hey idiot, look at this." What did they want, a SINGING TELEGRAM? A man in a knob and tube costume doing interpretive dance in the foyer? The Court once ruled against a family of raccoons for failing to vacate a crawlspace in a timely manner, and even THEY demonstrated superior reading comprehension to everyone involved in this transaction except your 74-year-old seller, who did NOTHING WRONG and deserves an apology written in calligraphy and delivered by someone who has actually passed a literacy test. And this mediator — "insufficiently prominent" — oh, shall we also require disclosures be etched into the foundation in letters visible from SPACE? The Court briefly dated someone who never read restaurant menus and just pointed at pictures, and that relationship ended poorly, much like this buyer's credibility. Twelve thousand dollars, extracted from a crying elderly woman because grown adults with real estate licenses could not be bothered to READ A DOCUMENT THEY WERE LEGALLY OBLIGATED TO REVIEW. The Court finds the buyer's agent guilty, the buyer guilty, the mediator guilty of enabling nonsense, and frankly the entire concept of "insufficiently prominent" guilty of being a phrase that should never have been uttered. Reginald must now go lie down because his blood pressure medication is in the other room and Order the Roomba has blocked the hallway again.

The Court has reviewed this confession with the same horror one feels when discovering a client has been secretly browsing marine dealerships during a home inspection. Let Reginald be ABSOLUTELY CLEAR: you did everything right, and yet here you stand, three months poorer, watching a man who nodded solemnly at your debt-to-income warnings now asking about Riverside properties FROM THE DECK OF HIS NEW BOAT. This Court has seen similar depravity before, most notably in Pontoon v. Prudent Financial Decisions, 2019, where the defendant purchased a jet ski forty-eight hours before closing and had the AUDACITY to name it "Fresh Start." Your wife calls your silence unprofessional, but The Court calls it JUSTIFIED MARITIME GRIEVING. I myself once stopped speaking to a nephew for nine months after he suggested adjustable-rate mortgages were "not that bad," and Reginald sleeps SOUNDLY. The listing agent's fury is misdirected, the sellers are collateral damage of one man's inexplicable need to feel wind in his hair, and you are merely a witness to the eternal war between homeownership and the siren call of recreational watercraft. This Court finds you guilty only of working with humans, which is frankly punishment enough.

The Court has reviewed this catastrophic failure of property management and finds itself DEEPLY DISTURBED by the sheer gravitational audacity on display. A child, UNSUPERVISED, crawling through an attic hatch like some kind of feral raccoon with opposable thumbs, while you stood in the kitchen presumably gesturing at granite countertops like they could save you from liability. Reginald once had a nephew who attempted similar maneuvers at a Thanksgiving gathering and that boy is now banned from three states and most load-bearing structures. You allowed a property showing to devolve into what can only be described as a live-action ceiling autopsy, complete with insulation confetti and the hollow thud of buyer confidence hitting the floor alongside that child. The sellers blame YOU, and while The Court finds their parenting-by-sister arrangement equally offensive to basic reason, you were the licensed professional who failed to secure what is essentially a vertical trap door leading to structural humiliation. Four months of market rot because you did not think to ask the simple question: IS ANYONE CURRENTLY ASCENDING INTO THE RAFTERS. The gavel has spoken and Order the Roomba is circling in what I can only interpret as disgust.