Wednesday, July 1, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself TREMBLING with the kind of rage usually reserved for people who put carpet over hardwood floors. You stood there, Agent, watching your client light twenty-five thousand dollars on fire because she wanted to feel SMART, and you handed her the matches like some kind of emotional support arsonist. "I'd rather let it rot" — oh, WONDERFUL, let's all applaud the expensive tantrum! The Court once refused to sell a perfectly good La-Z-Boy recliner for three years because the buyer asked if I'd "take less" and I found his TONE insufferable, so Reginald understands the impulse, but Reginald also ate canned soup for six months and that chair still haunts my garage. You are not a therapist, you are not a pride preservation specialist, you are a FIDUCIARY, and yet you let a woman submarine her own sale because some attorney had the audacity to do his JOB and read documents. In re: That One Open House, 2023, this Court ruled that "feelings are not comps," and that precedent STANDS. The shed was built over the easement during the Carter administration and your client's negotiating strategy belongs in the same era — buried under malaise and regret. Order the Roomba is circling this confession with what I can only describe as JUDGMENT. The Court has spoken and must now go lie down.

The Court has reviewed the evidence and must pause to collect itself because THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT REGINALD HAS BEEN WARNING ABOUT SINCE 2019. You introduced a phantom island into the housing market, an island that exists only in the fever dreams of an algorithm and the shattered hopes of twelve innocent showing attendees. One couple was READY TO WRITE AN OFFER, presumably on a home they believed contained an island where they might one day slice a tomato or host a casual wine and cheese situation, and you ROBBED THEM OF THAT FUTURE. The Court once lost a relationship over a kitchen island dispute and I will NOT be elaborating but suffice it to say Reginald understands the emotional stakes here better than you know. You claim you did not know AI enhancement was a thing photographers do now, but ignorance is not a defense, it is merely a confession of inadequate vetting procedures, and frankly if you had simply LOOKED at the photos and then LOOKED at the actual kitchen you might have noticed ONE OF THEM HAD AN EXTRA PIECE OF FURNITURE IN IT. The backyard being twenty percent bigger is almost secondary at this point but The Court wishes to note that yards cannot simply be INFLATED like some sort of landscaping balloon animal. Your broker's silence this week is not punishment, it is JUSTICE, and this Court hereby orders you to personally apologize to that countertop for the unrealistic expectations now placed upon it. GAVEL STRUCK, The Council has spoken, Reginald must now leave to attend to an unrelated Roomba jurisdiction matter.

The Court is PHYSICALLY ILL at what has been presented here today. You walked a property SIX TIMES and never once ventured behind a hedge? Reginald once discovered a functioning speakeasy behind an overgrown boxwood in Scottsdale, and he was there for a SHOWING, not a so-called professional inspection. This Court cites the landmark decision in Shrubbery v. Due Diligence, 2019, wherein it was established that "if foliage obscures it, thou must still observe it." And now your client weeps, WEEPS, while you "look into it" like a man staring at a refrigerator hoping dinner will announce itself. The phrase "learning experience" is what brokers say when they mean "you are on your own and I am going to pretend this conversation never happened," and frankly The Court is having flashbacks to when my own mentor said that after I accidentally notarized a placemat at Applebee's, but THAT IS NOT THE POINT. You had ONE JOB, which was to walk the ENTIRE property, including the parts that required minor physical effort, and instead you let a rogue shed and a $24,000 fine lurk in botanical darkness like a financial predator. The Court finds you guilty and orders you to immediately purchase a machete, a surveyor's vest, and whatever remains of your professional dignity. VERDICT RENDERED, The Court must now go argue with a hedge of its own.