Sunday, July 5, 2026

The Court has reviewed this testimony and frankly, Reginald is SHAKEN. You stood there, Agent, while a woman — a WOMAN WITH A HAMMER AND A VENDETTA — systematically executed a $4,200 cooktop in cold blood. "Tell Marcus I found the house." TELL MARCUS? Who is Marcus? Why does Marcus have women with hammers looking for him? These are questions The Court will be asking itself at 3 AM for the next six weeks. You claim you weigh 140 pounds as if that absolves you, but The Court once saw a chihuahua chase a UPS truck for three blocks on principle alone. You could have thrown a staging pillow. You could have deployed the decorative fruit bowl. Instead you let her waltz out the back door like some kind of hammer-wielding Banksy while your buyers watched their dream master bath become a crime scene. The Court cites the landmark case of In re: That Glass Cooktop's Family Who Will Never See Justice, 2024. I myself once witnessed a Vitamix fall from a counter and I CAUGHT IT, Agent, because some of us understand that kitchen appliances are NOT just objects, they are PROMISES. The pendant lights did nothing wrong. NOTHING. This Court finds you guilty and also finds itself suddenly very concerned about whoever Marcus is and whether he has adequate homeowner's insurance. Order the Roomba is now circling the bench in what I can only interpret as shared distress. Reginald must go lie down.

The Court is DEEPLY troubled by this confession, though perhaps not for the reasons you expect. You stand before Reginald admitting that you trusted a colleague, and for this The Court must ask: have you LEARNED NOTHING? Tax records exist for a REASON, and that reason is that listing agents have been known to confuse square footage with wishful thinking since the dawn of the MLS system, see Zillow v. Common Sense, 2021, in which the court ruled that believing anything in a listing without independent verification is grounds for a wellness check. I myself once toured a property advertised as having a generous primary suite only to discover it was generous only if you were a particularly thin ferret, and I have not trusted another human being since that day in 2017. HOWEVER, let The Court be clear about where the TRUE criminality lies: this listing agent, this audacious purveyor of phantom square footage, had the UNMITIGATED GALL to suggest your clients should have brought a tape measure like some kind of roving surveyor? The Court is so upset that Order the Roomba has begun stress-cleaning in circles. You got eight thousand dollars when you deserved fifteen, which means you left seven thousand dollars on the table, and that seven thousand dollars haunts you now, as it should, as it MUST. The Court finds you guilty of excessive professional courtesy and sentences you to never again assume competence where a tape measure could provide certainty. Reginald must now go lie down.

The Court has reviewed this testimony and frankly, Reginald is EXHAUSTED. You stood there, a licensed professional, while a woman waved a phone at you like it was the Rosetta Stone of real estate, and you did NOT immediately confiscate it as evidence of digital delusion. She cited Zillow v. Common Sense (2021) without even knowing she was doing it. And the HUSBAND — knocking on walls like some kind of discount home inspector, declaring structural value through PERCUSSION — this is not how appraisals work, this is how you check if a watermelon is ripe. The Court once had a buyer try to Zestimate my OWN CHAMBERS and I had Order the Roomba escort them from the premises with extreme prejudice. You had a cash offer at 510, DOCUMENTED AND LEGITIMATE, and this woman looked you in the eye and said "but the app says." THE APP. You should have asked her if the app also told her that the drainage easement next door is buildable because apparently we are all just living in whatever reality Zillow's algorithm hallucinates today. The Court finds your restraint technically admirable but spiritually cowardly, and sentences you to one loud sigh every time someone opens Zillow within fifteen feet of you. Reginald must now go lie down.