Friday, July 10, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and must now lie down on the floor of this courtroom for several minutes. A TRUCK. This buyer purchased a FORTY-TWO THOUSAND DOLLAR TRUCK two weeks before closing and then had the AUDACITY to text you pictures of the truck bed as if you are supposed to admire the very murder weapon that killed his loan. The Court has seen financial self-sabotage before — Reginald once watched a man buy a timeshare during escrow and still sleeps poorly because of it — but this defendant drove his debt-to-income ratio directly into a ditch and then asked his FATHER, a man with apparently WORSE credit, to climb in after him. The sellers have scheduled movers. MOVERS. Those movers are now moving nothing, moving air, moving the shattered remnants of a transaction this buyer executed with all the financial wisdom of a golden retriever with a credit card. And you, Agent, are left holding the phone while this man sends you photographs of a truck bed he will now be LIVING IN because there is no house, there was never going to be a house the moment he signed that financing agreement, and The Court must now go outside and scream at a tree. Case closed, the truck bed texts are hereby admitted as Exhibit A in humanity's ongoing trial against itself.

The Court has presided over many horrors in its distinguished career — undisclosed septic failures, staged fruit bowls concealing water damage, a showing where the seller's parrot revealed the actual square footage — but THIS, this basement sword situation, has shaken Reginald to his very core. You walked a FAMILY into what was essentially a dungeon encounter from a fantasy role-playing game, and the son's defense was "it's cool it's cool" as if those words have EVER de-escalated a situation involving unsheathed weaponry and a startled wife. The Court must pause here because I too have an adult nephew who "keeps to himself" and last Thanksgiving he emerged from my sister's basement holding a replica battle axe and I STILL cannot eat stuffing without experiencing mild panic. The listing agent's texts asking "what happened" deserve an answer, and that answer is MEDIEVAL BETRAYAL, but good luck fitting that into a professional follow-up. You put in twenty hours, you gave staging advice, you probably told them the natural light was "great for entertaining," and none of that matters now because the husband will spend the rest of his life telling people about the time a house tried to knight him against his will. The Court finds you not at fault but DEEPLY unfortunate, and sentences the seller to mandatory disclosure of all sword-adjacent relatives in perpetuity. This Court is adjourned because Reginald needs to call his sister about the nephew situation immediately.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the sheer audacity of a seller who would bypass her own agent to debut her property on the same platform where teenagers learn dance moves and people diagnose themselves with rare disorders. Let the record show that in Reginald v. My Own Client Who Posted Our Listing on Nextdoor With Wrong Photos, 2022, this Court established that clients with internet access are a LIABILITY, and yet here you stand, having allowed this woman to broadcast her bathroom window view to FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND STRANGERS like some sort of geographical strip tease. The backsplash commentary alone constitutes grounds for a mistrial of your entire career, and do not even get The Court started on the phrase "she seems difficult" because Reginald has BEEN that buyer, Reginald has WALKED AWAY from a perfectly good colonial because the seller left a passive-aggressive note about shoe removal and suddenly you just KNOW. You should have been monitoring her social media like a hawk, like a SURVEILLANCE DRONE, like my ex-wife monitored my Zillow search history during our separation proceedings which is IRRELEVANT but also she found my saved searches for "bachelor pad downtown no yard" and that became Exhibit A. Thirty-one thousand dollars in price reduction because you let this woman become a content creator, and now she has followers while you have regret and a listing that smells like internet controversy. The gavel has spoken, Order the Roomba is circling in judgment, and The Court must now adjourn to draft legislation banning TikTok within 500 feet of any active MLS listing.