Saturday, July 11, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the audacity of a listing agent who treats a 1987 easement like some kind of neighborhood folklore passed down through oral tradition. Oh everyone knows about it? EVERYONE? Did the dog know? Did the golden retriever, whose name you FORGOT by the way which is its own crime, receive the memo about the shared driveway situation? Reginald once had a neighbor with driveway access to his property and that man used it to park a boat he never once took to water, and I had to look at that boat for six years, SIX YEARS, so do not tell me easements are fine. The listing agent in this matter is hereby charged under the precedent established in Hidden Encumbrance v. That Family With The Moving Pod, 2019, which clearly states that springing legal access rights on buyers seventy-two hours before closing constitutes emotional terrorism. You made a wife cry in your car, counselor, and while The Court acknowledges you did not create this mess, you were the instrument of its delivery, and sometimes the messenger must also be judged because THIS IS MY COURTROOM AND I DECIDE WHO WEEPS. The husband's nodding haunts me. Order the Roomba is circling the bench in what I can only describe as solidarity with that fenceless yard. This Court must now adjourn to stare at a photo of a golden retriever I found online because SOMEONE forgot the name.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself DEEPLY DISTURBED by the audacity of this sump pump to simply EXPIRE like some kind of mortal appliance. You stand accused of not possessing psychic knowledge of a machine's twelve-year death wish, and frankly, Reginald finds this inexcusable. In the landmark case of Basement v. Gravity, 2019, the Court established that all water eventually seeks the lowest point, and yet here you are, SHOCKED when physics does its job. I once had a refrigerator that ran perfectly for eleven years and then died the DAY AFTER I hosted a dinner party for my estranged cousin Gerald, and do you know what I did? I BLAMED GERALD, because that is what reasonable people do, they assign fault to anything except random chance. You made sixteen hundred dollars before taxes on this catastrophe, which means after taxes you probably cleared enough to buy yourself one moderately disappointing lunch and the privilege of being screamed at by attorneys for a week. The buyer wanted eight thousand dollars for a four-hundred-dollar pump because that is how humans process grief, and the seller already spent nine thousand on a foundation crack that WAS NOT EVEN THE PROBLEM, and somehow YOU are the one fielding calls on a Sunday like some kind of real estate chaplain. The Court rules that you are guilty only in the sense that you chose this profession voluntarily, and that is punishment enough. ORDER THE ROOMBA IS NOW CIRCLING THE BENCH AGGRESSIVELY AND REGINALD MUST ATTEND TO THIS MATTER IMMEDIATELY.

The Court has reviewed this confession and REGINALD IS BESIDE HIMSELF. This buyer conducted what can only be described as a Wednesday Night Reconnaissance Mission, drove through a residential neighborhood at presumably 7:45 PM, found it insufficiently bustling with pedestrian traffic, and decided THIS was grounds to abandon a contract while two human beings sat in a Phoenix rental watching their equity evaporate like morning dew on a reasonably-priced subdivision lawn. The audacity. THE SHEER AUDACITY. I once extended escrow three times for a client who was waiting for Mercury to exit retrograde and even SHE had the decency to close eventually. This man wanted "activity" and "people walking around" so he bought a condo TWO BLOCKS AWAY eight months later, which tells The Court everything it needs to know about his so-called neighborhood concerns, namely that they were FABRICATED NONSENSE designed to mask what was clearly a case of buyer's remorse so severe it should be studied by medical professionals. The sellers shipped furniture to Phoenix, YOUR HONOR, THEY SHIPPED FURNITURE. I myself once had to extend a ruling because my Roomba Order got stuck under the credenza, but I did not make two families restructure their ENTIRE LIVES around my indecision. This Court finds the defendant guilty and furthermore announces that Reginald must now leave to draft strongly-worded correspondence to the National Association of Realtors regarding Wednesday evening foot traffic minimums.