Sunday, July 12, 2026

The Court is PHYSICALLY ILL. Twelve years of calling to confirm wires and you chose THIS transaction to get cocky? Because a financial planner told you he knows how wire transfers work? Reginald once knew a cardiologist who couldn't operate his own garage door opener, and yet here you are, trusting a man whose entire profession is SPREADSHEETS to successfully navigate the seventeen-digit obstacle course that is a wire transfer. Three hundred and twenty thousand dollars floating in the digital void like a lost sock in the cosmic dryer, and meanwhile there are CHILDREN eating CHICKEN NUGGETS in a car that should be parked in their new driveway! The Court has seen the case file from In re: That One Time Someone Trusted a CPA, 2019, and the precedent is CLEAR. You paid six hundred dollars in Marriott penance, but those sellers will carry the psychic weight of sleeping next to an ice machine while their worldly possessions sat in a U-Haul for FOUR NIGHTS, and that, counselor, is a debt no credit card can settle. The buyer sends you referrals because he has the audacity of a man who has never had to explain to a six-year-old why they cannot sleep in their new bunk bed tonight, and frankly, Reginald finds his continued correspondence to be evidence of a disorder. This Court is adjourned because I need to go call my own escrow officer about something completely unrelated.

The Court has reviewed this confession and Reginald is APOPLECTIC. This opposing agent knew about a twelve thousand dollar contractor lien in JANUARY, sat on that information like a dragon hoarding gold made of other people's misery, and then had the AUDACITY to perform surprise at the title search like she was discovering fire for the first time. "These things happen" she texted, as if liens spontaneously generate like fruit flies around a forgotten banana, as if she herself had not PERSONALLY ENABLED this chaos through deliberate omission. The Court once had a neighbor who borrowed my leaf blower in 2017 and still waves at me like we are friends, so Reginald understands the particular violence of someone pretending you are on the same team after they have wronged you. Your buyer had to move in with her SISTER, which based on every sister-related testimony this Court has ever heard is a punishment that exceeds most federal sentencing guidelines. The fact that this agent still sends you listings is not networking, it is psychological warfare, and The Court sentences her reputation to eternal damnation in the annals of fake case law, specifically Undisclosed Lien v. Basic Professional Courtesy, 2024. Reginald must now go lie down because his blood pressure has entered a jurisdiction this Court does not recognize.

The Court is APOPLECTIC. You watched a man who has lived in that house for THREE DECADES — thirty years of flipping light switches, thirty years of plugging in toasters, thirty years of KNOWING FULL WELL his electrical system predates the invention of television — check "no" on electrical issues, and you simply ALLOWED the universe to proceed? Reginald himself once cross-examined a listing disclosure for forty-five minutes and found it WANTING, so do not tell this Court you were powerless. You drove past that house on Tuesday. You SAW the new sign. You KNEW that disclosure was still out there, lurking like a predator, waiting to devour some innocent first-time homebuyer who just wants to run a window AC unit without their walls becoming a CRIME SCENE. And yet you did nothing, because somewhere along the way you convinced yourself that "different brokerage" means "different moral universe." IT DOES NOT. I once tried to hold a 1924 Craftsman in contempt for having original wood floors that were "too creaky to be trusted," and the bailiff — Order, my Roomba — had to escort me from my own courtroom, but at least I TRIED. You have become complicit in a system that treats knob-and-tube wiring like a family secret rather than the LITERAL FIRE HAZARD it is, and The Court finds this unconscionable. Reginald must now go lie down because his blood pressure medication is in the other room and this confession has EXHAUSTED HIM.