Monday, July 13, 2026

The Court is APOPLECTIC. You stood there, a licensed professional, while a woman — a MOTHER, no less — committed what can only be described as exploratory drywall terrorism, and your response was to offer a brief tutorial on interior wall construction? Reginald once watched his own mother test a cantaloupe by dropping it from shoulder height in a Kroger, and even HE had the dignity to pretend he didn't know her. You allowed six holes, AGENT. Six. That's not a walkthrough, that's a percussion concert. And now you sit before this Court, haunted by a card that says "check the attic," and you have the AUDACITY to tell me you won't look? The attic is not optional. The attic is EVIDENCE. For all we know, that mother has been nesting up there since 2019, waiting, hammer in hand, ready to test the structural integrity of your entire career. As established in Hammer v. Drywall Integrity Board (2022), "she who does not intervene in maternal wall testing shall inherit the mystery of the attic." The Court finds you guilty, deeply unsettled, and orders you to ascend those pull-down stairs within forty-eight hours or face Reginald's disappointment, which is considerable.

The Court has witnessed many crimes against real estate, but THIS, this is what happens when you give a man who is not even on the title access to WiFi and an opinion. He tagged TWELVE FRIENDS, counsel. TWELVE. The Court once had a cousin who tagged me in a photo wearing cargo shorts at a family reunion and I have not spoken to him since 2017, so Reginald understands the profound violence of an unwanted tag. But to then PUBLICLY LITIGATE a settlement that had a CONFIDENTIALITY CLAUSE in the comments section like some kind of unhinged reply guy, this man treated Facebook like it was discovery and HE WAS HIS OWN HOSTILE WITNESS. And now his wife calls YOU at 6am as if you were appointed guardian ad litem of this man's posting privileges, which frankly someone should have been because this individual should require court approval before accessing any app with a share button. The buyer walked, forty thousand dollars evaporated into the algorithm, and somewhere a buyer's agent is still dining out on those screenshots. The Court does not blame the wife for screaming. The Court is screaming internally right now. VERDICT RENDERED, Reginald must go lie down.

The Court has reviewed the facts of this case and finds itself DEEPLY DISTURBED by the chain of incompetence on display. You allowed a seller to leave incriminating HOA correspondence on the counter like it was a welcome basket of chocolates, and worse, you permitted the deployment of a red marker Post-it note reading "UNBELIEVABLE" which The Court recognizes as a form of psychological warfare against buyers. Reginald himself once lost a bidding war because a seller left out a water bill with a handwritten note saying "THIS IS ROBBERY" and it took three years of therapy to recover. Four inches of fence is NOTHING, The Court once ruled against a man for having hedges that were "emotionally too tall" and that ruling STOOD because I said it did. Your broker's response of "Welcome to the job" is legally admissible as evidence that your entire office has abandoned the principles of document concealment that this profession was FOUNDED upon. The eight hundred dollar settlement is a scar you will carry, a monument to the day you learned that in real estate, the counter is not a filing cabinet, it is a CONFESSION BOOTH. The Court awards the fence four inches of dignity it never asked for and sentences you to a lifetime of checking counters before every showing like a paranoid raccoon.