Tuesday, July 14, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL with recognition because Reginald once did something similar with a breakfast buffet — kept going back for bacon knowing full well the elastic waistband had reached its limit, and we all paid the price that afternoon. You KNEW this man was financially teetering on the edge like a decorative vase on a poorly mounted floating shelf, and yet you kept dragging him through houses at the tippy-top of his range because bigger house equals bigger check equals YOU get to feel like a real estate professional instead of what you actually are: a CHAOS MERCHANT in business casual. Six days of panic attacks! SIX DAYS this man lay awake at 3 AM staring at his ceiling fan wondering if he was a failure, and you created that psychological weather system because basic arithmetic felt inconvenient! This Court has seen greed before — I once watched a man at a Panera try to refill a water cup with lemonade FOUR TIMES — but this is something worse, this is weaponized optimism deployed against someone who trusted you with the largest purchase of his life. The seller relisted, the buyer is probably still flinching every time he sees a Redfin notification, and you walk away having learned WHAT exactly? As established in Conscience v. Commission Structure, 2019, "a fiduciary who ignores the word maxed deserves to have that word tattooed on their forehead in reverse so they see it every morning." The gavel falls, Order the Roomba is circling ominously, and Reginald must now go sit with what he has learned about breakfast buffets.

The Court has seen many things in its years on this bench, but NEVER has Reginald witnessed such a catastrophic failure of basic horse-to-window risk assessment. You allowed a SIX FOOT CHROME STALLION to be placed in a residential bedroom without so much as a liability waiver or a tether system, and now you sit before this Court with twelve thousand dollars in damages and a sculpture held hostage in your garage like some kind of equestrian war criminal. Let the record show that "drama piece" is not a legal classification recognized by any staging authority, and yet you simply NODDED when this metallic monstrosity arrived as if chrome horses routinely improve Days on Market. The Court once purchased a decorative rooster from HomeGoods that fell off a shelf and shattered my grandmother's urn, so I UNDERSTAND the seductive danger of oversized animal decor, but I did not then allow a child to TOPPLE IT THROUGH A LOAD-BEARING WINDOW. You should have known that expired insurance plus unstable livestock art plus curious children equals what we in the legal profession call "an inevitable catastrophe," and what Reginald personally calls "a Tuesday I would have seen coming from the parking lot." The horse stays in your garage as a monument to your hubris, and this Court is adjourned because I need to go look at my own staging contracts immediately.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the phrase "define flooded." Reginald once had a client ask him to define "mold" and I had to excuse myself to scream into a decorative pillow for eleven minutes. This seller held an entire transaction hostage over a Ring doorbell — a SURVEILLANCE DEVICE that probably captured footage of seventeen delivery drivers and one raccoon — because of PRINCIPLE. Let the record show that "principle" is Latin for "I am difficult and everyone in my life knows it." The basement flooding question alone warrants a mistrial of this woman's entire personality. Eight months on market, three price reductions, and she still had the AUDACITY to leave a two-star review as if YOU were the problem, as if YOU personally installed that doorbell with malicious intent. The Court finds it telling that the buyer eventually surrendered, which means this seller now owns a doorbell that witnessed her own moral bankruptcy. You advocated plenty, and that IS the whole problem, because advocacy for the unreasonable is a punishment unto itself, as established in Zillow v. Common Sense, 2021. The Court sentences this seller to eternal escrow and awards you full custody of your own sanity. ORDER THE ROOMBA HAS BEGUN CIRCLING THE BENCH WHICH MEANS REGINALD MUST NOW ADJOURN.