Wednesday, July 15, 2026

The Court is DEEPLY troubled by what can only be described as a plumbing cold case of the highest order. You stood there, in that backyard, while a grown man with a metal detector confirmed that an entire septic tank had simply CEASED TO EXIST, and your response was to just let the buyer walk away without DEMANDING ANSWERS? Reginald once spent four months investigating why his neighbor's koi pond seemed "too confident," so do not tell me this mystery was unsolvable. The seller's wife asked the only question that mattered — WHERE WAS IT GOING — and you all just looked at your shoes like a bunch of cowards at a sewage crime scene. This Court hereby finds that you failed in your sacred duty to pursue the truth, because somewhere beneath that property lies either a rogue septic system operating outside the law, a portal to somewhere The Court does not wish to contemplate, or fifteen years of evidence that frankly should have surfaced by now. The buyer was right to flee, but YOU should have stayed and DUG, both literally and metaphorically. Case dismissed because Reginald needs to go sit in a quiet room and think about groundwater contamination for the rest of the afternoon.

The Court is APPALLED. Twelve years in this profession and you deployed the "it looked newer" defense, a legal strategy last successfully used in Maytag v. Wishful Thinking, 1987, and even THEN the judge had to excuse himself to scream into a courthouse pillow. You saw a shiny surface and your brain said "ah yes, this is definitely not from the Obama administration," which is the same logic that caused Reginald to purchase what turned out to be a 1994 Buick LeSabre from a man who described it as "gently pre-loved." The husband was standing there with his PHONE CALCULATOR, a clear warning sign that this man would eventually discover your crimes, and yet you chose violence. You chose to look at a water heater and GUESS AT IT like some sort of appliance psychic operating without a license. And then, THE INDIGNITY, you paid four hundred dollars of your own money to cover up your optical delusion, which this Court views as consciousness of guilt AND poor financial planning. The sticker was still on it because GHOSTS DO NOT REMOVE STICKERS, and that water heater was a ghost from 2009 haunting that basement waiting to expose you. Reginald sentences you to carry a flashlight in your mouth at all future showings until you learn that "newer" is a word with MEANING.

The Court has heard many troubling confessions from this bench, but the phrase "leverage the appraisal energy" has caused Reginald physical pain in a location he cannot identify. Let the record show that a man who has NEVER PURCHASED PROPERTY was permitted to infiltrate a real estate negotiation like some kind of podcast-brained poltergeist, whispering wealth manifestation nonsense into the ears of buyers who were ALREADY UNDER CONTRACT. The buyer's agent relayed this information "like a fun fact" and not as the five-alarm dumpster fire it so clearly was, which suggests a fundamental breakdown in the agent's ability to distinguish between casual conversation and PROFESSIONAL MALPRACTICE ADJACENT BEHAVIOR. Twelve hundred dollars a month, and this charlatan's grand strategy was "wait forty-eight hours and they'll cave," a negotiation tactic The Court's Roomba bailiff Order could have generated by bumping into a wall repeatedly. The retired couple walked, as they should have, because they possess something this so-called coach will never understand: the dignity of people who have actually closed a transaction. This Court once paid nine hundred dollars to a man who promised to teach me "judicial presence" through breathwork, so I understand the allure of expensive nonsense, but I EVENTUALLY STOPPED PAYING HIM, which puts me ahead of these buyers who are still writing checks to a man who turned their home purchase into a "teaching moment." The gavel falls, Order is circling the bench aggressively, and Reginald must now go lie down.