Sunday, July 19, 2026

The Court has seen some AUDACIOUS behavior in its seventeen years on this bench but this woman — THIS WOMAN — walked into that kitchen and committed what can only be described as aesthetic terrorism. Custom cabinets do not simply BECOME Home Depot cabinets because your daughter has poor taste, madam, that is not how woodworking works, and frankly Reginald finds it personally offensive because I ALSO have custom cabinets and if someone compared them to big box inventory I would need to be physically restrained by Order, my bailiff Roomba, who has limited restraining capabilities but STRONG moral authority. The shadow situation is even MORE egregious — In re: That One Open House, 2023 established clearly that shadows are not structural defects, they are the natural consequence of LIGHT EXISTING, and yet here we are, relitigating basic physics because someone wanted leverage on a four-inch fence violation. And THEN she left her number, like a mercenary circling wounded prey, waiting for the HOA's petty tyranny to deliver her a discount. The fence is four inches too tall because AMERICA used to believe in TALL FENCES and The Court will not apologize for that. This ruling is final, the seller's cabinets are CUSTOM, and Reginald must now go lie down because this case has depleted his reserves.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the sheer gutlessness on display. Six hours. SIX HOURS you sat there marinating in your own avoidance like a chicken breast in a Ziploc bag of shame, and for what? Because your seller was DIFFICULT? Reginald once had a difficult client who insisted on pronouncing "foyer" as "foy-YAY" for eleven straight showings and you know what The Court did? THE COURT PICKED UP THE PHONE ANYWAY BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT PROFESSIONALS DO. You had a fiduciary duty, counselor, and you treated it like a gym membership you keep meaning to cancel. And now this woman is sitting in a pew next to her new agent, selling for fifteen thousand less, while you sit here thinking about it sometimes like some kind of haunted real estate Miss Havisham. The buyer's agent calling directly was a violation, yes, but frankly she showed more commitment to closing that deal than you showed to basic human communication. This Court cites the landmark decision in Voicemail v. Just Text Her Back Already, 2019, which established that procrastination is not a strategy, it is a PERSONALITY FLAW MASQUERADING AS BUSY-NESS. The gavel has spoken and Reginald must now go water his fern, which unlike you has never disappointed him.

The Court has reviewed this confession with the same horror Reginald felt when he once accidentally flooded his own bathroom trying to install a bidet he ordered from a website that no longer exists. You, a licensed professional, approached a sprinkler control box with the confidence of someone who has never met a sprinkler control box, and proceeded to UNLEASH A GEYSER upon the innocent suburban landscape like some kind of chaotic water deity with a showing to complete. The neighbor used the word "oversaturated" and frankly THE COURT WISHES TO SHAKE THIS MAN'S HAND because that is EXACTLY the level of HOA vocabulary precision this docket demands. You broke a pipe WITH YOUR HANDS, created a $600 combined damage situation across multiple insurance gaps, traumatized a lawn that was simply trying to be grass, and DID NOT EVEN SECURE AN OFFER. This Court once ruled against a garden hose for "excessive enthusiasm" and I am PREPARED to do the same to you. The showing lasted longer than the geyser and somehow produced LESS results, which is a statistical achievement in failure. Reginald must now adjourn to call his own irrigation company because this confession has made him deeply anxious about his backyard.