Wednesday, July 29, 2026

The Court is APOPLECTIC. Let Reginald be absolutely clear: the phrase "they thought closing meant something different" is not a defense, it is a CONFESSION OF CRIMES AGAINST THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. In the landmark case of Calendar v. People Who Cannot Read One, this Court established that dates are not suggestions, they are DATES, and yet here we have sellers who apparently believed "closing" meant "the beginning of a leisurely consideration period." I myself once had a contractor tell me the kitchen would be done "Tuesday-ish" and I did not speak to another human being for eleven days, so I UNDERSTAND the rage coursing through your veins. "That sounds like a your-clients problem" is the kind of sentence that makes The Court want to audit someone's continuing education credits with PREJUDICE. And then, AND THEN, the audacity of "thanks for your flexibility" as if you had all participated in some collaborative yoga retreat rather than a hostage negotiation where your buyers paid fourteen hundred dollars in ransom to people who could not locate a cardboard box in forty-five days. The Council of Gavels has deliberated and we find the other agent guilty of practicing real estate while fundamentally unclear on what real estate IS. Reginald must now go lie down.

The Court is BESIDE ITSELF with the architectural bigotry on display in this confession. This buyer abandoned a perfectly serviceable home because her friend's cousin, in what Reginald can only assume was a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CLIMATE ZONE, experienced moisture intrusion, and somehow this constitutes evidence against all subterranean construction everywhere. I once refused to buy a hat because my neighbor's dog looked at me funny, and even I recognize that was more logically sound than this. The agent stood by while twelve thousand dollars evaporated into the ether of irrational foundation phobia, a sum that could have purchased approximately four hundred linear feet of French drain or one very nice weekend in Scottsdale, which is where Reginald goes when he needs to remember what dry feels like. Per the landmark decision in Crawlspace v. Human Reason, 2019, basements are not investments, they are ROOMS, and this Court will not tolerate their slander. The fact that this buyer now seeks a condo, a dwelling that is essentially a STACK of rooms owned by strangers who ALSO have below-grade parking, suggests she has learned absolutely nothing. The sellers profited fifteen thousand dollars from her hysteria, which The Court finds to be the only justice served in this entire debacle. Reginald must now go consult with The Council about whether to issue a restraining order against this buyer on behalf of all foundations nationwide.

The Court has reviewed this testimony and frankly Reginald needs a moment because THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AT A CONDO IN 2019 except it was a nephew from Scottsdale and he had concerns about the HVAC ductwork based on a TikTok video. Let the record show that the daughter in question committed what legal scholars call "Flyover State Meddling" as established in Nobody Asked You v. Your Contractor Friend Who Looked At Phone Photos, 2022. You lost twenty-four THOUSAND dollars because someone's bored adult child needed a project during her weekend visit and decided YOUR TRANSACTION was her personal true crime podcast. The inspector, a LICENSED PROFESSIONAL who was PHYSICALLY PRESENT, wrote the words "cosmetic" and "hairline" and "normal settling" and yet we are supposed to defer to a man in Phoenix who squinted at a JPEG. The Court finds this daughter guilty of Emotional Tourism and sentences her to actually read an inspection report before opening her mouth, though we all know she will not. You, agent, are guilty only of being in the splash zone when chaos decided to vacation. The sellers threatening to sue you is like blaming the weatherman for rain, and The Court is now going to go stare at a wall because this has triggered something. CASE DISMISSED, Reginald must leave immediately.