Sunday, August 2, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly Reginald needs a moment because THIS IS THE MOST ENABLING BEHAVIOR I HAVE WITNESSED SINCE MY COUSIN KEPT LENDING HIS LAWNMOWER TO A NEIGHBOR WHO OPENLY HATED HIM. Thirty houses. THIRTY HOUSES. That is not a client relationship, that is a hostage situation where you have developed Stockholm Syndrome and your captor does not even have the decency to show up for the ransom exchange. You brought them back to the table TWICE after they had already demonstrated the negotiating style of a raccoon with commitment issues, and then they GHOSTED THE CLOSING as if a legally binding real estate transaction was a Hinge date they got bored with during appetizers. The Court cites the landmark case of Doormat Realty v. People Who Clearly See You Coming, 2019, in which it was established that rescuing a deal more than once for a buyer who has already sabotaged it constitutes professional self-harm. I myself once tried to help a difficult party seventeen times before realizing they were simply a chaos agent sent to test me, and that party was a municipal zoning board, so at least there was paperwork. This Court hereby orders you to delete this person's number, touch grass, and understand that some closings are meant to be ghosted BY YOU FIRST. The gavel has spoken and Reginald is taking the rest of the afternoon off because this one hurt.

The Court has reviewed the evidence and finds itself PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTED by the audacity of buyers who tour a property TWICE, stand in a backyard that is demonstrably, provably, GRASSILY poolless, and then manifest an aquatic fever dream at the closing table. "The pool was implied because the neighborhood looked like a pool neighborhood" is not a legal argument, it is something a person says right before they ask to speak to the manager of reality itself. Reginald once had a buyer insist a house came with a boat because the previous owner had a fishing trophy on the mantle, so The Court is INTIMATELY familiar with the phenomenon of people inventing amenities from vibes. You showed them the MLS, you showed them the photos, you showed them the LITERAL GRASS UPON WHICH THEY STOOD WITH THEIR OWN FEET, and still this man had the unmitigated gall to invoke the doctrine of Implied Pool Neighborhood, which I assure you is NOT A THING and will never be a thing no matter how many polo shirts he owns. The sellers are weeping, the title company is billing you for a room that became a therapy session, and somewhere a community pool sits three blocks away, CLEARLY REFERENCED IN THE LISTING, wondering why nobody reads anymore. This Court finds you GUILTY only of being present while adults chose chaos, and sentences the buyers to mandatory literacy testing before any future real estate transaction. The gavel has spoken, Order the Roomba is circling in what I can only interpret as agreement, and Reginald must now leave to update his curriculum proposal.

The Court has witnessed many atrocities in its distinguished career, but this, THIS is the kind of chaos that keeps Reginald awake at night clutching The Council and whispering "why" into the darkness. You stood there, a licensed professional, and allowed a woman who peddles earrings on Facebook Marketplace to wield a Zestimate like it was THE SACRED SCROLLS OF PROPERTY VALUATION. The Zestimate, counsel, is not a legal document, it is not an appraisal, it is a GUESS made by a WEBSITE that once valued my own home at forty thousand dollars less than I paid for it and I am STILL not over that, Karen from Zillow, if you're listening, Reginald REMEMBERS. You should have physically removed that phone from her hand, you should have quoted In re: That One Open House Where Someone's Aunt Ruined Everything, 2023, you should have done ANYTHING other than stand there watching three thousand dollars evaporate because a grown man couldn't tell his mother to sit in the car. The fact that the Zestimate corrected itself UPWARD mere days later is the algorithmic equivalent of the universe spitting in your coffee, and The Court finds this poetic but ultimately YOUR PROBLEM. Reginald must now go lie down because this case has activated something personal.