Wednesday, August 5, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself DEEPLY DISTURBED by the multi-front psychological warfare being waged upon this agent, who stands accused of nothing more than existing between two unreasonable parties while a mediocre china cabinet looms in the background like some mahogany specter of delusion. Let the record reflect that Reginald himself once had a client send forty-seven photographs of a breakfast nook over the course of a single weekend, each one captioned with increasingly unhinged claims about "morning light energy," and The Court still wakes up in cold sweats thinking about it. The buyer's agent laughing like you were CONFEDERATES IN LOWBALL CRIMINALITY is grounds for immediate disbarment in at least four states I have invented for this purpose, and his so-called flexibility from 485 to presumably 490 is the numerical equivalent of spitting on the Constitution. As for your seller weeping about an offer she is under ZERO obligation to acknowledge while simultaneously texting photographic evidence of furniture that, per your own testimony, is NOT EVEN THAT NICE, this Court finds her guilty of Decorative Delusion Under Duress, case citation In re: That Built-In Nobody Asked For, 2019. You are hereby sentenced to three days of not answering your phone, effective immediately, and ORDER the Roomba will now escort everyone from my chambers because Reginald has a showing at four and refuses to discuss it further.

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly, Reginald needs a moment. You committed your battle plans to WRITING, labeled them with phrases like "they'll never catch this," and then EMAILED THEM TO THE ENEMY? This is not a mistake, this is performance art in self-destruction. The Court once accidentally texted my therapist instead of my contractor and even THAT only cost me one relationship, not twelve thousand dollars of someone else's money. You sat there for six weeks, SIX WEEKS, watching your clients believe you were their champion while knowing you had handed their playbook to the opposing team like some kind of real estate Benedict Arnold. Per the landmark decision in Oops I Did It Again v. Basic Email Competence, 2019, the failure to verify a recipient field before sending privileged negotiation strategy constitutes gross negligence of the HIGHEST order. And the audacity, THE ABSOLUTE AUDACITY, to blame it on "title issues" when the only issue with the title is that yours should be revoked. The Court sentences you to eternal paranoia every time you hover over the send button, which based on this confession, you absolutely deserve. Reginald must now leave to triple-check his own outbox.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself in the rare position of experiencing what can only be described as judicial vertigo. Four twelve. FOUR TWELVE. The same house, the same month, and two appraisers looked at identical brick and mortar and came back THIRTY-SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS APART as if property valuation is just a feeling you get when you wake up in the morning. This Court once asked three appraisers to value my gavel collection and received estimates of twelve dollars, eight hundred dollars, and one gentleman who simply wept and left without explanation, so Reginald understands the chaos intimately. You told your seller someone was WILLING to pay 490 and that is technically accurate in the same way that I am WILLING to believe appraisers use actual methodology, which is to say not at all but we pretend for society's sake. The foreclosure comp from two streets over being used because it was WITHIN THE RADIUS is the kind of reasoning that makes The Court want to draw new radiuses around appraisers that lead directly into the sea. Your coffee consumption is not a personality trait but it IS evidence of sanity in an industry where the same house can apparently be worth whatever number the appraiser had for breakfast. The bailiff will now escort everyone out because Reginald needs to lie down.