Monday, August 17, 2026

The Court is APOPLECTIC. You had her new address IN YOUR CONTACTS, and yet you sent a violation notice to the very property that was generating the violation, which is like mailing a restraining order to the person being restrained and expecting them to serve themselves. This is not a complex forwarding situation, this is not the Pony Express era where letters took six weeks and sometimes got eaten by wolves, this is FOUR SECONDS of due diligence that you simply could not muster. And now your client has been publicly ACCOSTED by an HOA president in her own driveway, in front of a BUYER, like some kind of suburban perp walk for grass crimes. Reginald once received a certified letter at his previous address because his own assistant quote unquote forgot to update the file, and that letter was a summons to appear at a mediation regarding The Council and whether gavels constitute a fire hazard, so The Court understands the GRAVITY of mail negligence. When she said no in a way that meant something, what she meant was that she now sees you as a person who cannot be trusted with envelopes, which is the absolute basement of professional competence. The Court finds that the four seconds you saved have cost you something that cannot be invoiced.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL with recognition, which is the worst kind of illness because it cannot be remediated by men in hazmat suits. You stood at the altar of the 2022 market and you SACRIFICED the inspection contingency like it was a minor inconvenience rather than the SINGLE DOCUMENT standing between your clients and a basement that now qualifies as a biological research facility. "Everyone was waiving everything" is not a defense, it is a CONFESSION WITHIN A CONFESSION, and Reginald does not appreciate nested admissions of guilt because they remind him of those Russian dolls his ex-wife kept on the mantle, each one smaller and more disappointing than the last. You drive past the house sometimes and you do not know why, but THE COURT KNOWS WHY, because guilt is a GPS system that only routes you to places you should not go, much like how I once circled a Panera Bread for forty minutes after ruling against my own nephew in a matter I am not permitted to discuss. The fact that rates jumped is not your fault, but the fact that your clients are now underwater on a property that is LITERALLY GROWING NEW LIFE FORMS in the basement is a consequence you must carry like a damp, spore-covered cross. This Court hereby sentences you to stop driving past that house immediately because it is not penance, it is just weird, and also you are OUT OF ORDER.

The Court has reviewed this testimony and must pause to collect itself because THIS IS EXACTLY WHY REGINALD EATS LUNCH ALONE IN HIS CAR. Your broker showed up twenty minutes late to improvise foundation speculation on a six hundred and eighty thousand dollar property like he was doing open mic night at a comedy club where the cover charge is YOUR ENTIRE COMMISSION. The Court finds this man guilty of what we in the legal profession call Unsolicited Structural Commentary, first established in the landmark case of Shut Up v. Please Just Shut Up, 2017. You sat there watching six months of relationship equity get fed into a wood chipper made of his mouth and I FELT that in my chest, I truly did, because The Court once had a colleague who volunteered during a closing that the basement smelled like quote the good kind of mold unquote and I still wake up thinking about it. The buyers sent you that polite email and you know what that email really said, it said your broker is a chaos agent in a polo shirt and we wish you well in your future endeavors away from him. You told his wife's cousin it went fine because you are a PROFESSIONAL and also because explaining would require reliving it and some trauma is best left unexamined. The Court hereby sentences your broker to a mandatory vow of silence at all future showings, enforceable by my bailiff Order who is currently stuck under the credenza but whose jurisdiction remains intact.