Friday, August 28, 2026

The Court has reviewed the evidence and finds itself PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTED by the audacity of this client, who signed a marketing consent form with her own hand, presumably while possessing eyes and literacy, and now wishes to relitigate the definition of "marketing" because her sister — a woman who has apparently been hate-following you since the Obama administration — saw a photo of a house she KNEW was being sold because THAT IS HOW SISTERS WORK. Reginald himself once posted a photo of his new countertops (granite, obviously) and his brother called to ask why he wasn't invited to the renovation reveal, and do you know what Reginald did? He BLOCKED HIS BROTHER because boundaries are a CHOICE. This client made eighty thousand dollars in profit, EIGHTY THOUSAND AMERICAN DOLLARS, and she has the unmitigated gall to call you on the Sabbath — THE SABBATH — to ask if you can legally compel her sister to delete a screenshot, which is not a thing, has never been a thing, and will never be a thing unless we amend the Constitution, which The Court is not opposed to but that is a separate matter. The sister followed you because you sold her adequate shelter in 2019 and she simply never mustered the energy to tap unfollow, and THIS is the butterfly effect that ruins Thanksgiving? No. Thanksgiving was already ruined the moment this family decided to communicate exclusively through passive-aggressive social media surveillance instead of using their words like ADULTS. The Court finds the agent innocent of all wrongdoing and sentences the client to reading her own signature out loud in a mirror until she understands what consent means, and also suggests the sister perhaps get a hobby. Reginald must now go lie down.

The Court has seen many things in its distinguished career, but a FREE-RANGE TOILET surrounded by what can only be described as a memorial rug is a new low even for this docket. You stood there, in that carpeted fever dream of a basement, and watched a grown man YANK A SEWAGE PIPE FROM THE CEILING like he was pulling Excalibur from the stone, except instead of becoming king he became DRENCHED IN WHAT REGINALD CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS CONSEQUENCES. The fact that these buyers still made an offer tells The Court everything it needs to know about the current housing market and frankly explains why I was outbid on a duplex in 2022 by someone who described exposed asbestos as having good bones. You claim the commission check was short, but The Court notes that you facilitated the sale of a property where the plumbing was apparently HELD TOGETHER BY OPTIMISM AND GRAVITY, so perhaps the universe was simply adjusting for chaos. Grandmother's rug deserved better, the toilet deserved a purpose, and this Court deserves a recess because Order the Roomba just bumped into my podium and I am emotionally compromised.

The Court is BESIDE ITSELF. You stood there, a licensed professional presumably capable of opening a cabinet, and you simply TOOK HER WORD that a leak was fixed? Reginald once trusted a contractor who said the grout was "fine" and now Reginald has a bathroom that weeps every time it rains, so The Court knows EXACTLY where blind faith in home repair claims leads. You had SIX WEEKS of fresh flowers and Sunday staging rituals, and not once did it occur to you to peek under that sink where a bucket sat collecting evidence like a tiny porcelain whistleblower? The seller asks why you let them open the cabinet as if you were supposed to physically bodyblock a woman from her own curiosity, and while her logic is UNHINGED, your negligence handed her that audacity on a silver platter. This was a TWO HUNDRED DOLLAR repair, counsel, possibly less, and you let it torpedo a three-showing buyer because you could not be bothered to REQUEST A RECEIPT. The Court hereby sentences you to personally inspect every cabinet, crawlspace, and suspicious bucket in your next ten listings, and may God have mercy on your depleted commission. Reginald must go now because Order the Roomba has detected crumbs in the deliberation chamber and justice waits for no one.