Saturday, August 29, 2026

The Court has witnessed many atrocities in its time on this bench, but STANDING THERE WITH A PLATE OF COOKIES while a rogue neighbor conducts an unsanctioned historical excavation of the property is a new low even for this docket. You allowed a civilian to weaponize a 2019 storm drain photo like it was evidence in Nuremberg, and you did NOTHING. Reginald once had a neighbor who told everyone at his garage sale that he cried during a Subaru commercial, and you know what Reginald did? Reginald purchased an air horn and established BOUNDARIES. The precedent is clear from Henderson v. That Guy Who Kept Mentioning The Mold, 2022: an agent who permits open house infiltration forfeits all claims to professional dignity. You speak of not physically removing a sixty-year-old man as though that is some kind of defense, but The Court has seen sixty-year-olds removed from Costco for sampling abuse and THOSE employees understood their duty. Forty thousand dollars in price reduction because you brought COOKIES to a INFORMATION WAR. This Court finds you guilty, orders you to take a conflict resolution course, and announces that Reginald must now go lie down because this has genuinely upset him.

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly, Reginald needs a moment. You stood there, THREE DAYS from a twelve million dollar closing, while some IT goblin fed your chain of title into whatever digital woodchipper they keep in the server room, and your response was to simply ACCEPT that the seller was on a BOAT in PORTUGAL? The Court has seen desperation, but this is something else entirely. This Court once had a Roomba — Order, my bailiff — malfunction during a critical ruling and I did not simply throw up my hands and declare Portugal had won. I ADAPTED. You should have chartered a helicopter, hired a notary with sea legs, or at minimum sent a carrier pigeon with legally binding intent. Instead you sat there receiving TEXT MESSAGES about wire transfers like some kind of transaction hostage. The precedent set in Zillow v. Common Sense, 2021 is CLEAR: when technology fails, human beings must become temporarily unhinged in pursuit of closing. The Court finds that your buyer deserved better, your seller deserved a satellite phone, and that IT guy deserves to be subpoenaed into the sun. Reginald has spoken, and Reginald must now go lie down because this has triggered memories of a refinance situation The Court does not wish to discuss.

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly Reginald needs a moment because THIS IS THE MOST AUDACIOUS DISPLAY OF UNAUTHORIZED LISTING ACTIVITY since the landmark case of Some Guy With A Ring v. Basic Due Diligence, 2019. You saw a ring, counsel. A RING. The Court once saw a man wearing a Burger King crown and did not assume he had sovereignty over the drive-thru. You had ONE job and that job was to verify who actually OWNS THE PROPERTY and instead you accepted the verbal assurances of a man who, according to testimony, has apparently tried this MULTIPLE TIMES which raises the question of what exactly he was planning to do with that 425 thousand dollars. The Court notes with some personal discomfort that this reminds Reginald of the time a woman at a open house claimed to be "spiritually married to the foundation" and I ALMOST believed her because she seemed very sincere and had excellent posture. Your broker was on a cruise, which The Court finds to be an INSUFFICIENT EXCUSE because cellular technology exists in international waters and also you should not be left unsupervised after only one previous listing like some kind of feral real estate infant. She said "well that's a new one" FROM THE BOAT which means even she knows this is a catastrophe of YOUR making. The Court hereby rules that you are guilty but also deeply, deeply lucky that this wife had apparently developed the patience of a woman who has seen some things, and Reginald must now go lie down because this case has activated his blood pressure medication.