Sunday, August 30, 2026

The Court is APOPLECTIC. Reginald has presided over many horrors in his distinguished and entirely legitimate career, but this, THIS, is a new low in the annals of real estate jurisprudence. Broom clean, the listing agent wrote. BROOM CLEAN. Was the broom intended to sweep up a sixty-pound golden retriever, counsel? Was it a VERY LARGE BROOM? The Court cites the landmark decision of Abandoned Labrador v. Basic Human Decency, 2019, in which it was established that living creatures are NOT staging materials to be left behind like a decorative bowl of lemons. And speaking of being abandoned by people who claimed they would show up, The Court's own brother-in-law once promised to help Reginald move a sectional sofa and instead went to a Jimmy Buffett concert in Reno, so The Court UNDERSTANDS the sting of familial betrayal, but at least the sectional did not defecate on baseboards that were SPECIFICALLY NEGOTIATED FOR. The phrase their son was supposed to should be grounds for immediate license revocation, because The Court has HEARD that excuse before and it is NEVER true, it is NEVER the son, the son is always at a Jimmy Buffett concert or spiritually equivalent event. The buyers negotiated a credit for those floors and instead received a crime scene, a broken lamp of disputed ownership, and the haunting question of what happened to the dog, which The Court ALSO does not know and will now be thinking about at 3 AM for the foreseeable future. This Court hereby rules that the listing agent must personally locate that golden retriever, apologize to it, and never use the words broom clean again unless she is prepared to MEAN IT.

The Court has reviewed this testimony and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the audacity of a man who would consume a sandwich — presumably with BOTH HANDS — while explaining why he deserves eleven thousand dollars for a name his wife got at what was almost certainly a mid-tier charity event with mediocre hors d'oeuvres. Let the record show that a napkin with a misspelled name is not a lead, it is GARBAGE, and Reginald knows garbage because Reginald once ruled against his own recycling bin for "failure to sort with conviction." You cold-called that woman SIX TIMES while four hundred thousand dollars played hide and seek in the banking system and your seller stress-texted you into what I can only assume is a permanent eye twitch, and THIS MAN says "good teamwork" without even granting you the basic human dignity of EYE CONTACT? The Court cites the landmark case of In re: That One Broker Who Took Credit For Air, 2019, in which it was established that rainmaker policies are just horoscopes for men who peaked in 2007. Keep that napkin. Frame it. Let it remind you that you built something from literal trash while a man who contributes nothing fed himself in front of you like a zoo animal with a commission structure. The Court awards you moral vindication and sentences your broker to one year of actually generating his own leads, which we both know he will not survive.

The Court has reviewed this testimony and must now lie down on the floor of these chambers for several minutes. An easement is not a SUGGESTION, it is not a VIBE, it is not something you can OPT OUT OF like a newsletter from Bed Bath and Beyond. It is RECORDED. WITH THE COUNTY. In a BOOK. Probably a LARGE book with that specific musty smell The Court finds deeply comforting. This agent apparently believes legal documents function like terms of service agreements where you can simply click "I do not agree" and proceed to install your above-ground pool wherever your heart desires. "Other agents have done it before" — OH HAVE THEY, counsel? Have other agents called up the county recorder and said "Hey Jerry, my clients are not comfortable with the constitutional concept of property law, can you just white-out this 1987 utility easement real quick?" The Court once had a client who did not "recognize" that their house was in a flood zone and Reginald had to explain that the river does not care about your feelings. Three hundred and forty thousand dollars, evaporated, because one agent could not perform the BASELINE function of explaining to adults that reality is not subject to their approval. Order the Roomba is beeping which means someone has parked illegally in the handicapped spot of justice and The Court must attend to this immediately, VERDICT STANDS.