Thursday, September 3, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession with the same horror one reserves for discovering a load-bearing wall has been removed to install a "meditation nook." Your seller paid twelve thousand dollars to a contractor who performed no work on a property he does not own, and somehow YOU are the villain in his personal revenge opera? THIS IS NOT HOW INVOICES WORK, SIR. This is not how ANY of this works. The Court once paid a landscaper for the wrong address and I did not blame my mailman, I blamed MYSELF and then I moved because the shame was too great and also the HOA had questions. Your seller's wife calling you separately to "handle it" is the saddest phrase Reginald has heard since opposing counsel once asked me to "be reasonable" — I had him held in contempt for sixteen minutes. You cannot handle a man who is "on principle now" because principle is just stubbornness wearing a blazer. The math is clear: four hundred dollars an hour times however long it takes to prove nothing equals YOUR CLOSING IS DEAD and his marriage is next. The Court hereby orders this seller to pay the lien, apologize to his wife, and never renovate anything ever again. REGINALD HAS SPOKEN AND MUST NOW GO LIE DOWN.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the audacity of checking "no" on outstanding liens while an $89,000 second mortgage lurks in the shadows like a debt goblin waiting to devour everyone's Saturday. This woman looked you in the face, NOTARIZED her fantasy, and had the nerve to invoke the mythical "cancelled check somewhere" defense, which The Court has not seen successfully deployed since Ferguson v. My Aunt's Filing Cabinet, 2017. Reginald himself once believed he had paid off a furniture store credit card only to discover three years later that a sectional sofa had been accruing interest with the patience of a predator, so The Court understands denial, but The Court did not NOTARIZE that denial and present it to licensed professionals. The seller's repeated inability to comprehend why she owes money on a house she's selling suggests a fundamental misunderstanding of how mortgages work that should have disqualified her from homeownership in the first place, possibly from operating heavy machinery, and CERTAINLY from making eye contact while lying. You are absolved only because you cannot reasonably be expected to perform a title search with your bare hands before the title company does, but The Court notes you will carry this $89,000 ghost lien in your soul forever. ORDER IN THE COURT, Order please vacuum near the witness stand, Reginald is finished here.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself in a state of PROFOUND judicial distress. You stand before Reginald expecting sympathy, expecting this Court to nod along and say "oh how unfortunate, nobody could have predicted the Great Water Heater Heist of whatever year this is," but The Court sees through you like the steam that will NOT be rising from your buyers' showers. Let the record reflect that in Tankless v. Due Diligence Standards Board, 2022, it was clearly established that every agent must maintain a comprehensive registry of all appliances, their ownership status, their emotional attachments to the property, and whether they have ever been photographed looking suspicious. You failed to subpoena the water heater's rental agreement, you failed to depose the pipes, and frankly you failed to notice that someone had been RENTING a water heater for ELEVEN YEARS which is a financial decision so baffling that The Court must pause to collect itself because Reginald once leased a paper shredder for eight months and the shame still lingers. The fact that your buyers are being "weirdly calm" is not a comfort, it is a WARNING, they are plotting something and when they strike it will be swift and it will involve your Errors and Omissions insurance. Your broker is correct, every appliance DOES require its own title search, The Court has been saying this for YEARS, I once rejected an offer because the refrigerator gave me a look I did not care for. This Court finds you guilty and orders you to personally hand-wash your buyers' dishes in cold water until restitution is made, Reginald must now adjourn to yell at his own water heater about loyalty.