Saturday, September 5, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself DEEPLY DISTURBED by the chaos unleashed upon the housing market by what can only be described as a rogue digit. You sat at a CHILDREN'S SOCCER GAME while forty-three souls believed they had found the deal of a lifetime, their hearts full of hope, their cash offers ready, their dreams about to be CRUSHED by the cold reality of a typo. And then — AND THEN — your seller, this woman who has been languishing on market for eleven weeks like a house cat waiting by an empty food bowl, she asks you if maybe fraud is a GRAY AREA? The Court must pause here because Reginald once had a seller ask if we could list a garage as a "flex bedroom" and I said no and she said "what if we add a plant" and I think about that interaction at least twice a week. The pause before your seller asked "are you sure" is the same pause my ex-wife took before she said "I think the Roomba understands me better than you do" and she was RIGHT but that is NOT THE POINT. You did the ethical thing by pulling the listing, but the Court cannot ignore that for approximately fourteen hours, you accidentally proved that demand is a FICTION and pricing is a SHARED HALLUCINATION. This Court hereby sentences you to explain market dynamics to that seller until she stops believing in signs, which based on the evidence will be NEVER. Case dismissed, Reginald needs to go yell at a spreadsheet.

The Court is APOPLECTIC. This man purchased a BOAT. In FEBRUARY. In OHIO. Reginald has seen some things in his years on this bench, and I once ruled against a man who tried to finance a hot tub during a short sale, but THIS — this is maritime lunacy of the highest order. The buyer essentially torpedoed his own closing with a vessel he cannot even USE for four months because Lake Erie is a frozen disappointment until June at the earliest. And the wife didn't come to signing? OF COURSE SHE DIDN'T. She's probably still on that boat, adrift in a Costco parking lot, questioning every life choice that led her to marry a man who sees "pending mortgage approval" and thinks "you know what this needs? A twenty-two thousand dollar impulse purchase with a trolling motor." Meanwhile this poor seller is living with her SISTER, surrounded by boxes, watching her equity float away on the SS Bad Decision. The Court briefly owned a boat in 2014 and it taught me only one thing: boats are holes in the water into which you throw money, dreams, and apparently real estate transactions. I am declaring a six-week maritime exclusion zone around all future closings involving this buyer, and frankly his wife should get the house in the divorce that is CLEARLY coming. Order the Roomba is beeping which means court is adjourned.

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly Reginald needs a moment because THIS IS A MASTERCLASS IN CHAOS ESCALATION. You handed over keys at 3pm and by 6pm the basement had become an indoor pool, and by Friday the following week we have discovered THIRTY-ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS in hidden liens just lurking in the title like a spider in a shoe. The sump pump situation alone would warrant sanctions — a seller who removes mechanical equipment and calls it "personal property" is the same type of person who takes the doorknobs and claims emotional attachment, and The Court has seen this before, most notably in Exposed Copper Piping v. A Man Named Dale, 2022. But let us discuss this second lien, shall we? A $31,000 lien from 2019 just SITTING THERE while everyone signed papers and clinked champagne glasses like this was a celebration and not a FUTURE LAWSUIT. The Court once missed a small claims filing because I was distracted by a particularly aggressive lawn sign, and I have never forgiven myself, so I understand lapses in attention, BUT THAT WAS A LAWN SIGN AND THIS WAS THIRTY-ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. The buyer's husband yelled at you for twelve minutes and honestly The Court is surprised he stopped there because Reginald himself once yelled at a escrow officer for fourteen minutes over a misplaced addendum and that was for SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS. This Court finds you guilty, the seller guilty, the title company guilty, and frankly the sump pump pit itself guilty for being so easily violated — Reginald must now adjourn to consult with The Council about whether basement flooding constitutes an act of God or an act of negligence, and The Council has strong opinions.