Sunday, September 6, 2026

The Court has reviewed the evidence and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the sheer chaos presented here. You stand before Reginald not as a mere buyer's agent but as a co-conspirator in what can only be described as botanical terrorism against irreplaceable 1940s hardwood, and The Court WILL NOT BE MOVED by your claims of geographical alibi. Let the record show that in Potted Plant v. Original Flooring, 2019, this Court established that any agent within a fifteen-mile radius of an unsupervised moisture source bears what we call "splash zone liability," and you, counselor, were IN THE SPLASH ZONE. The child pushed the pot, you say, as if children are not KNOWN agents of destruction whose movements must be anticipated by any competent real estate professional, and I speak from experience because my nephew once knocked over my gavel display case and I have never recovered emotionally or legally. That the lemon tree remains in the home, unmoved, bearing fruit, MOCKING the buckling floorboards beneath it, is an insult to justice itself. The Court notes that you were in a Walgreens parking lot at 9pm which is EXACTLY where guilty people stand when they are trying to seem innocent. Reginald has seen enough, the Roomba is beeping, and you are hereby sentenced to live with what you have done.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds the defendant NOT GUILTY of any actual wrongdoing but EXTREMELY GUILTY of not going far enough. You stood there? You STOOD THERE? When a man invoked his data scientist buddy, The Court would have produced a three-ring binder titled "Times Zillow Thought a Garage Was a Four-Bedroom Colonial" and SLAMMED it on the kitchen island. Reginald once watched a Zestimate claim a condemned property with no plumbing was worth four hundred thousand dollars because it was "near a Whole Foods," and I have not known peace since. The wife looking at the ceiling is the universal signal for "I will be filing for divorce within eighteen months," and The Court wishes her well. This husband is still sending you Zillow links because you gave him the dignity of a measured response when what he deserved was to be asked why he bothered hiring an agent if a website knows everything. IN THE LANDMARK CASE OF Zillow v. Anyone Who Has Ever Actually Been Inside A House, 2022, the algorithm was found liable for CHRONIC DELUSION and sentenced to stop pretending it understands crown molding. The Court hereby orders you to block his number and move on with your life, because Reginald must now adjourn to argue with his refrigerator about property values.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself in the unusual position of experiencing what lesser jurists might call "feelings," which Reginald does not care for ONE BIT. You stand before this bench guilty not of wrongdoing but of being present when the universe decided to teach an 80-year-old widow that her husband's assurances about "that crack being fine" were, in fact, NOT FINE, and that forty hours of your professional labor would evaporate into the same void where that foundation wall apparently went. The Court once presided over a case involving a load-bearing wall that turned out to be "more of a suggestion" — In re: The Drywall That Dreamed Too Big, 2022 — and I STILL think about it when I cannot sleep, which is MOST NIGHTS, Your Honor does not sleep well, THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. What did she do wrong? NOTHING. She trusted a man who is now beyond subpoena, she lived in a house that was quietly digesting itself from the outside in, and she called YOU because you were the only person left who would answer. The inspector with his SCREWDRIVER, poking at wounds like some kind of foundation dentist, has revealed what was always true: sometimes the water gets in, and sometimes there is no one to blame, and sometimes you just have to sit with an old woman's crying and know that your job is not to fix it but to not look away. The Court finds you guilty of being competent in an incompetent universe, and Reginald must now go because Order the Roomba has gotten stuck under the credenza again and is making a sound that suggests jurisdictional distress.