Wednesday, September 9, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the notion that six previous closings constitutes due diligence in the year of our Lord 2024. You recommended a lender the way Reginald recommends restaurants — based entirely on past glory without checking if the chef has been replaced by a single overwhelmed line cook named Derek. Those children ate drive-through in a parked car while their future bedrooms sat EMPTY across a parking lot, and somewhere a wire transfer lingered in digital purgatory because you failed to perform what The Court calls a "basic operational vibe check." I myself once trusted a title company based on reputation alone and ended up signing documents on the hood of a Kia Sorento, so I understand the seduction of assumed competence, but UNDERSTANDING IS NOT FORGIVENESS. The $180 hotel bill is not the crime here — the crime is that a mother now associates your phone number with the night her children learned that adults do not always have control of situations. The Court notes that the kids thought it was an adventure, which is the only reason Reginald is not recommending you be sentenced to personally call every wire desk in America each morning to ask "how are we REALLY doing today." This Court has rendered its judgment and must now adjourn to call my own mother, who also stopped returning my calls after an incident I maintain was not my fault.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL with recognition. Eight months. EIGHT MONTHS. You showed this woman thirty houses, which means you also showed her father thirty houses, because let us be honest, Daddy was haunting every open floor plan like a specter of disapproval in boat shoes. The audacity of a man calling to report his adult daughter's "disappointment" as though you are the assistant manager at a Panera who got her soup order wrong is BEYOND THE PALE. Reginald once had a client whose mother called to ask if the neighborhood had "good vibes" and I had to excuse myself to scream into a decorative pillow. You committed no crime here except perhaps the crime of answering your phone after the third call, which as established in Henderson v. My Own Sanity, 2019, constitutes "emotional self-harm with a side of masochism." The dad saying "what does handled mean exactly" is the verbal equivalent of a man returning a steak because it tastes "too much like beef." She lost confidence in the process because she never HAD confidence, she had a father with opinions and a WiFi connection. The Court finds that you are owed eight months of your life back, plus damages for having to say "okay" to a man who definitely wears a Bluetooth headset indoors. CASE DISMISSED, and The Court must now go lie down because this one activated something.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself experiencing what can only be described as VINDICATION SWEATS. A 310 offer on a 425 listing is not negotiation, it is PERFORMANCE ART, and The Court does not attend the theater for a reason — Reginald was once asked to leave a community production of Twelve Angry Men for attempting to deliberate from the audience. These buyers submitted an offer that was essentially a ransom note written in crayon, then had the AUDACITY to act surprised when a serious buyer appeared with actual currency. The five thousand dollar counter increase is particularly offensive to this Court, as it suggests these individuals believe negotiation works like a tip jar at a coffee shop where you just toss in whatever change is weighing down your pocket. Your sellers bought at 390, listed at 425, and closed at 412, which means the system WORKED, and The Court will not apologize for mathematics even though math once humiliated me at a continuing education seminar I was not technically enrolled in. The screaming phone call claiming you would regret this is EXHIBIT A in the case of Delusion v. The Entire Housing Market, 2024, and the fact that their agent stopped returning your calls is not abandonment but rather SELF-PRESERVATION, which this Court has ruled is a protected right ever since I tried to subpoena my own therapist. Eight months of searching is their sentence, and The Court finds it INSUFFICIENT.