Monday, September 14, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself in the unusual position of directing its righteous fury not at the agent, but at the PARASITIC BASEMENT DWELLER who has weaponized social media against a professional who DID NOTHING WRONG. Let the record show that this agent represented the BUYER, disclosed the DISCLOSED disclosure, obtained a SIGNED ACKNOWLEDGMENT on PAGE EIGHT, and still somehow became the villain in a Facebook soap opera starring a 25-year-old man whose primary life skill appears to be generating engagement metrics from his childhood bedroom. Reginald himself once had a nephew who posted a negative Yelp review of Thanksgiving dinner and that nephew is NO LONGER INVITED TO HOLIDAYS, which is the appropriate familial response when your spawn commits reputational arson. The mother, bless her conflict-avoidant heart, left a five-star review while simultaneously allowing her son to conduct what can only be described as a one-man digital insurgency against basic fairness, and The Court must ask: WHAT IS PROTECTIVE ABOUT BEING OBJECTIVELY WRONG IN A PUBLIC FORUM WITH 200 SHARES? Three thousand dollars to remediate disclosed wiring versus an agent's entire searchable reputation, and this alleged adult needs TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT? The Court hereby rules the agent NOT GUILTY of any professional misconduct and sentences the son to six months of mandatory employment followed by a public apology written in complete sentences, and Reginald must now adjourn because this level of injustice has given him heartburn.

The Court has reviewed this testimony and frankly, Reginald needs a moment because THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I STOPPED HOSTING THANKSGIVING. You had ONE job — remove the seller from the premises — and instead you allowed a woman to manifest like a bathroom poltergeist over a MEDICINE CABINET. What was she protecting in there, the nuclear codes? Expired Tums from 2019? The Court has seen territorial behavior before, but screaming "that's MY cabinet" at a prospective buyer is the real estate equivalent of a raccoon defending a dumpster, and I will NOT have it in my courtroom. You claim innocence, but you permitted three showings with this unstable cabinet guardian still roosting in the property, which constitutes gross negligence under the landmark precedent of In re: One Weird Seller Who Wouldn't Leave, 2022. The buyer's wife had her hand on a cabinet door, not the seller's immortal soul, and yet you stood there offering "it's just a cabinet" like that was going to de-escalate a woman who had clearly been waiting her whole life for someone to TOUCH HER THINGS. Three months and two price drops later, the seller "never understood why," and honestly that tracks because people who scream at strangers in bathrooms rarely possess the gift of self-reflection. The Court finds you complicit in this preventable disaster and orders you to never again trust a seller who "agrees to leave" without installing a tracking device on their person.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL from the sheer audacity of this week-by-week descent into madness. You have presented Reginald with a timeline so cursed it reads like a Greek tragedy written by someone who failed out of appraisal school and holds a PERSONAL GRUDGE against garages. The appraiser used a 2019 FORECLOSURE as a comp, which is like comparing a golden retriever to a raccoon that once lived near a golden retriever, and The Court is APOPLECTIC. I once had a similar experience when my ex-wife's attorney tried to value my gavel collection using comparable sales from a flea market in Toledo, and let me tell you, ORDER the Roomba and I still discuss it during our evening sessions. You watched this deal die, resurrect, die again, and then the ORIGINAL BUYERS emerged from the grave like real estate zombies asking about plumbing YOU ALREADY FIXED, and somehow YOU are the one confessing as if YOU committed a crime when clearly the appraiser should be tried at The Hague. The Court rules that you are guilty only by association with an industry that allows a man to spend twenty minutes in a home and then DESTROY LIVES with his little clipboard. Reginald must now go lie down because this ruling has given him heart palpitations.