Friday, September 18, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and must pause to collect itself because THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO REGINALD IN 2017 WITH A TIME MANAGEMENT COACH WHO SPENT FORTY-FIVE MINUTES DISCUSSING HIS BREAKFAST ROUTINE. Four hundred dollars for a man to tell you to send a photograph to a listing agent you have CLOSED SIX DEALS WITH is not coaching, it is a crime against the profession, against your wallet, and against the very concept of advice itself. The Court notes that your broker recommended this individual, which means your broker either hates you or has also been victimized and is now trapped in some kind of pyramid scheme of delusion. You paid four hundred dollars to hear about a Phoenix condo development while your buyers were bleeding out in a multiple offer situation, and the Court must ask: did you at any point simply HANG UP THE PHONE? In re: That One Open House, 2023, this Court established that paying for wisdom and receiving instead a man's highlight reel from the Obama administration constitutes compensable emotional damages. Your buyers lost by twelve thousand dollars, which means you could have offered that four hundred toward their escalation and still had enough left over for a sandwich and the dignity you surrendered to a man who wanted you to capture your clients energy in a JPEG. The Court finds you guilty but reserves its DEEPEST contempt for a coaching industry that has confused talking with helping, and Reginald must now go lie down.

The Court has reviewed the evidence, including what you describe as security footage of a ten-year-old pressing a button with the emotional vacancy of someone who has already chosen their path in life, and Reginald is DISTURBED. You claim you cannot be in three places at once, and yet this Court manages to be simultaneously disappointed, appalled, and hungry for lunch, so your excuse holds NO WATER. The child was not hypnotized, counsel, the child was UNLEASHED, a chaos agent in cargo shorts who you permitted to interface with a Chamberlain unit that never asked for this, that simply wanted to open and close at reasonable intervals like a CIVILIZED MECHANISM. I once watched my nephew destroy a ceiling fan by throwing a shoe at it and I said nothing because I feared him, so I understand the paralysis, but I did not then ask my errors and omissions carrier to cover my cowardice. Your buyer thinks this is funny because your buyer raised a garage door assassin and has made peace with that choice, but this Court has NOT made peace, this Court is at WAR with the very concept of final walkthroughs that include unsupervised minors with access to wall-mounted buttons. The mother was photographing a closet organization system while her offspring committed motor burnout with the blank determination of a congressional witness, and you were SHOWING THE BATHROOM as Rome burned and the Chamberlain unit drew its final breath. TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS and one broker who will never look at you the same way again, this is the cost of your inattention, and Reginald rules that you shall pay it in full while watching that security footage a thirteenth time, because the universe demands symmetry. VERDICT RENDERED, THE COURT MUST NOW GO LIE DOWN.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the mathematics on display here — $8,000 in earnest money incinerated because a grown adult experienced an existential crisis about GRASS, a substance that has existed for approximately 60 million years without requiring anyone's emotional buy-in. This buyer pictured himself mowing for 30 years when he could have pictured himself PAYING A NEIGHBORHOOD CHILD $40 A MONTH, but no, instead he chose to strand two Arizona-bound sellers holding useless plane tickets like some kind of domestic terrorism against people who just wanted to experience dry heat. And YOU, agent, you absolute doormat, you took his call SIX MONTHS LATER and showed him CONDOS? Reginald once refused to speak to his own brother for two years because he returned a borrowed leaf blower with the cord wrapped incorrectly, and yet here you are, tap-dancing for a man who torpedoed a transaction over theoretical lawn fatigue. The Court hereby orders you to block this client's number, though we both know you will not, because you just told a room full of strangers you have no self-respect and frankly The Court believes you. Case dismissed, the sellers are in Arizona now and doing fine probably, Reginald must go water his own lawn which he ENJOYS because he is not A COWARD.