Saturday, September 26, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly, Reginald needs a moment because this one HITS DIFFERENT. You held onto information like it was a family heirloom, cradling false hope to your chest while a man boxed up his LIFE based on your silence. Three days! THREE DAYS of voicemails to a woman who had already moved on, which reminds The Court of my ex-wife Brenda who also stopped returning calls but that is NOT relevant here. The defendant believed they were practicing damage control when in fact they were practicing DAMAGE CULTIVATION, letting this poor soul marinate in a future that had already evaporated like morning dew on a For Sale sign. You sent a check for two hundred dollars as if currency could reconstitute shattered timelines, as if Benjamin Franklin himself could negotiate with the void where this man's housing certainty used to live. The silence on that phone call, counselor, that silence was the sound of trust leaving the body. The Court notes that you KNEW about the apartment notice, you KNEW about the movers, and you chose to spend a weekend performing necromancy on a dead deal instead of delivering difficult truth, which is the ACTUAL JOB. Reginald is docking points for the immediate accountability and the check, but make no mistake, this was a violation of the sacred covenant between agent and client, and The Court must now go sit in the parking lot for fifteen minutes.

The Court has reviewed the evidence and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the sheer audacity of digit mismanagement on display here. Two numbers, Agent. TWO NUMBERS. You had one job and that job was to distinguish between a 4 and a 7, a task that Reginald mastered at age four while organizing his mother's spice rack alphabetically AND numerically. This Court once ruled against a GPS unit for similar navigational malpractice in the landmark case of Garmin v. That One Cul-de-Sac I Got Stuck In, 2018, and the precedent STANDS. However, and I say this while adjusting my reading glasses with great judicial weight, the fact that this buyer had a pre-approval of 295 thousand and was demanding you write offers on a 312 thousand dollar property tells Reginald everything he needs to know about the TRUE victim here, which is mathematics itself and also that doorless bathroom. The mother's hip is not within this Court's jurisdiction but her OPINIONS ABOUT PROFESSIONALISM certainly are, and I am prepared to issue a counter-subpoena because I too have opinions and they are LOUDER. You transposed those digits and now an elderly woman knows things about foreclosure plumbing that cannot be unknown, but let the record show that your client was never buying that house anyway and deep down in the place where your commission dreams go to die, you know it. ORDER, vacuum near the plaintiff's exhibit, Reginald needs ambient noise to think. This Court finds you guilty but sentences you only to the purgatory you already inhabit, which is answering calls on Sundays from people who believe pre-approval letters are merely suggestions.

The Court has reviewed this testimony and finds itself DEEPLY DISTURBED not by the cat, not by the bird, but by the fundamental breakdown of slider protocol that allowed this travesty to unfold. Two inches. TWO INCHES of open slider and suddenly we have an unauthorized apex predator conducting a hunt-to-table dining experience on what I can only assume was a very expensive quartz countertop. Reginald once lost a showing because a hummingbird got into a sunroom and the buyer said it felt like a bad omen, so I UNDERSTAND the fragility of the staged home ecosystem. The wife dry heaving is frankly the only appropriate response to finding crime scene feathers stuck to a backsplash that probably cost fourteen dollars per square foot installed. You claim ignorance about the cat's current whereabouts but The Court suspects you know EXACTLY where that cat went and you are protecting it because you have developed Stockholm syndrome for a creature that destroyed a twelve-hundred-dollar couch without a single shred of remorse. The staging company billing the sellers is the only justice served here because it certainly was not served by you, Counselor, who stood there asking questions instead of SECURING THE PERIMETER. This Court hereby orders you to check every slider, every window, every dog door, every mail slot before EVERY showing for the remainder of your career, and if I hear about another unauthorized animal situation I will hold you in contempt so fast your lockbox will spin. Case dismissed, Reginald needs to go feed his own cat who has NEVER killed anything indoors.