Wednesday, September 30, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself VIBRATING WITH RECOGNITION. Three days from closing. THREE DAYS. And this buyer — this READER OF ARTICLES — decides NOW is the moment to invoke whatever half-digested Redfin think piece has colonized his brain? The buyer's agent knew this was dead on arrival, she KNEW, and yet she picked up the phone anyway because somewhere in her training someone told her "always advocate for your client" without specifying that advocacy does not include making calls you yourself find embarrassing. This is what Reginald calls a "ceremonial phone call" — it exists only so someone can later say "well I asked." I once had a neighbor try to renegotiate the property line three days before I installed a fence and I will tell you the same thing I told him: THE INK IS DRY, HAROLD. The commission was agreed upon in WRITING, counsel, in that ancient binding technology we call A CONTRACT, and your client's newfound literacy does not constitute a material change in circumstances. See Zillow v. Common Sense, 2021, wherein the Court held that "reading articles" is not a legal basis for anything except mild insufferability at dinner parties. The twenty minutes of your life are gone forever, absorbed into the void alongside my own sanity, and The Court must now adjourn to clutch its gavel collection and breathe.

The Court has reviewed this confession and must now lie down on the floor of its chambers for several minutes. THIS WOMAN REJECTED TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS OVER ASKING BECAUSE OF A YOUR VERSUS YOU'RE SITUATION THAT WASN'T EVEN COMMITTED BY THE BUYER? Reginald has seen some things in his years on this bench — he once watched a man refuse to close on a condo because the seller's dog "looked at him wrong" during the final walkthrough — but this is LINGUISTIC TERRORISM of the highest order. The precedent set in Strunk & White v. That Lady Who Corrects People's Texts, 2019, is clear: grammar preferences do not constitute material defects, and frankly The Court is concerned about anyone who thinks apostrophe placement reveals someone's ability to maintain HVAC systems. You sat there, agent, you WROTE DOWN HER WORDS because you knew they were unhinged, and yet you let this woman marinate in her own grammatical righteousness for THREE ADDITIONAL MONTHS while twenty thousand dollars evaporated into the linguistic void. She still sends you articles about grammar, and you don't know why, but The Court knows why — it's because you enabled her, you validated her reign of red-pen terror, and now she believes she is the last defender of the English language standing between civilization and chaos. The Court must now adjourn immediately because Order the Roomba has gotten stuck under the witness stand again and Reginald cannot focus with that whirring sound.

The Court is APOPLECTIC. This is not a simple case of caveat emptor, this is a woman living like a Victorian orphan collecting rainwater in buckets while you cash your commission check and shrug like a man who has never once been thirsty. "No known issues" — oh, The Court KNOWS this game, it is the same logic used by my second cousin Gerald who claimed he "didn't know" the boat he sold me had no engine, as if the ABSENCE OF AN ENGINE is something one simply fails to notice. You gave her the number for a well driller? REGINALD COULD HAVE GIVEN HER THAT NUMBER AND REGINALD DOES NOT EVEN HAVE A REAL ESTATE LICENSE. The seller was TRUCKING IN WATER like some kind of frontier grifter and you expect this Court to believe no one noticed the parade of suspicious tanker trucks? In re: The Case of the Suspiciously Hydrated Lawn (2019), we established that willful ignorance of obvious infrastructure failure is not a defense, it is a LIFESTYLE CHOICE. Twenty-two thousand dollars for a new well, and you handed her a business card like a man fleeing a crime scene in slow motion. The Court must now adjourn immediately as Order the Roomba has detected an unauthorized puddle in chambers and frankly Reginald needs a moment.