Thursday, October 1, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the injustice perpetrated against this agent by what can only be described as an office supply conspiracy of the highest order. Let the record show that in Henderson v. Basic Human Decency (2019), this Court ruled that any client who makes their agent miss a family wedding and then ADMITS TO GETTING STARBUCKS deserves to have their earnest money converted directly into therapy funds for the abandoned agent. Reginald himself once lost a ruling because his bailiff Order vacuumed up a crucial legal document, so The Court understands the pain of administrative equipment betrayal more than you know. HOWEVER, the confession reveals that you did indeed look up the property, you TRACKED the nephew on LinkedIn, you MEMORIZED the purchase price down to the exact dollar, and The Court must ask: are you okay, counselor, because that is the behavior of someone who is NOT okay. The front desk girl is not on trial here today but rest assured The Court has opened a separate docket for her and that sticky note will be SUBPOENAED. This Court hereby declares you a victim of circumstance but also sentences you to delete LinkedIn from your phone before you do something we cannot undo, and Reginald must now adjourn because his breakfast burrito is getting cold and he refuses to eat it like some kind of animal.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the phrase "trusting the listing agent's summary" — a phrase that should be illegal in all fifty states and most Canadian provinces. You saved yourself forty minutes of reading and cost your clients four thousand dollars, which by The Court's calculations means you valued your time at six thousand dollars per hour, and Reginald has MET you through this confession and you are NOT billing at that rate. Page 12. PAGE TWELVE. The meeting minutes were sitting right there like a ticking time bomb wrapped in a pool house, and you chose to believe a listing agent whose job — whose ENTIRE PROFESSIONAL PURPOSE — is to make problems invisible until someone else owns them. The Court once trusted a seller's disclosure that said "minor settling" and discovered the basement had achieved sentience and was attempting to return to the earth's core, so I understand the temptation to believe convenient lies, but I did not then sit in my car outside the property having an existential crisis because I AM A JUDGE and judges do not park and spiral. You are not the reason these people are out four grand. You are the ENTIRE reason. The Court hereby sentences you to read every HOA document for your next thirty transactions out loud, in your car, with the windows down. Case dismissed, Reginald has a gavel to polish.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL, not from the sewage — though Reginald has strong feelings about basement waterproofing — but from the sheer audacity of trusting tax records like they were handed down from Moses himself on stone tablets. You pulled sewer data from a GOVERNMENT DATABASE and expected it to be ACCURATE? In THIS economy? The Court cites the landmark case of Septic v. The Concept of Due Diligence, 2018, in which it was established that any agent who does not personally descend into the bowels of a property — LITERALLY — assumes full moral responsibility for whatever horrors lurk beneath. Three inches of raw sewage in a basement is not a mistake, counselor, it is a CHRISTENING, and you baptized those poor buyers into homeownership with the contents of a tank that predates the Obama administration. The Court once purchased a ranch-style home in 2014 and I can tell you I PERSONALLY inspected every pipe, every valve, every suspicious gurgle, because THAT is what separates professionals from people who treat tax assessor websites like the GOSPEL OF SAINT ZILLOW. The dead husband defense is noted but irrelevant — death does not excuse plumbing neglect, and frankly neither does life. This Court hereby sentences your reputation to remediation.