Friday, October 2, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and Reginald is DISTURBED on multiple levels. You watered a dead fern for EIGHT MONTHS while a woman with memory issues sat in a care facility wondering where her lemonade pitcher went, and you want sympathy because a daughter finally noticed her mother's house was being slowly drowned by your incompetence? The empty pitcher WAS the sign, you absolute walnut, that was the universe SCREAMING at you in citrus-based metaphor and you just smiled and nodded like you were at a timeshare presentation. This Court has seen agents blame market conditions, blame interest rates, blame Mercury being in retrograde, but never have I witnessed someone attempt to distribute culpability among a cracked foundation, twelve unlicensed roosters, AND their own selective amnesia about a bathroom window. You LEFT A WINDOW OPEN and now you're playing detective with yourself like some kind of noir protagonist who also happens to be the murderer, the victim, AND the flood. The daughter is threatening to report you to the board and frankly The Court hopes she does because this listing has been a crime scene since the day that empty pitcher hit your lips and you chose to taste nothing and learn less. I once left a window open at my cousin's ranch and a family of possums moved into the breakfast nook and I will tell you this, not once did I pretend it was ambiguous who did that. VERDICT STANDS, Reginald must now go water something that is actually alive.

The Court has reviewed this testimony and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the injustice visited upon this agent. Six miles away? SIX MILES? Reginald once drove six miles to contest a parking ticket and ended up in a different county with different laws and a Dairy Queen that didn't accept credit cards, so The Court understands that distance MATTERS. This appraiser essentially compared your property to Atlantis and called it methodology. The lender's response of "well he's certified" is the professional equivalent of saying "well he's wearing pants" as if that confers competence — Reginald's Roomba bailiff Order is also certified and it keeps trying to appraise the bathroom rug. The seller calling you every four hours accusing you of sabotage while you were literally DEFENDING HIS FINANCIAL INTERESTS is the kind of behavior that makes The Court want to retire to a yurt. And then he moved to Phoenix WITHOUT APOLOGIZING, which is somehow the most offensive part because Phoenix is where people go to escape accountability and also humidity. You are guilty only of not demanding a formal written apology notarized in triplicate, but The Court cannot in good conscience punish you further — this ruling is hereby adjourned because Reginald has become too upset and must go look at his gavel collection for comfort.

The Court has witnessed many betrayals in its distinguished and entirely legitimate career, but THIS — this is the kind of emotional violence that keeps Reginald awake at night, whispering to his gavel collection about the fundamental unfairness of human interaction. Eight months. EIGHT MONTHS of your life, your staging expertise, your carefully curated throw pillows, your SOUL poured into open houses where strangers touched the doorknobs with their unwashed hands — all undone by a man with a personal check and what I can only assume was a mid-tier Merlot. The neighbor did not even have the DECENCY to lowball through proper channels, no, he simply KNOCKED ON A DOOR like some kind of wine-bearing chaos agent, and your seller — YOUR SELLER — folded like a fitted sheet because she did not wish to seem impolite. This Court once ruled against my own mother for accepting a coupon from a stranger at Costco without reading the terms, so I understand the sting of misplaced trust, but at least she did not ask ME to help her redeem it afterward. The audacity of requesting closing assistance is the legal equivalent of asking the dentist you just punched to still fix your cavity. As established in Neighborly Ambush v. Professional Dignity, 2022, a handshake deal sealed with Cabernet is not a contract, it is a HOSTAGE SITUATION for your commission. The Court must now adjourn because Order the Roomba has detected crumbs in the deliberation chamber and justice waits for no vacuum cycle.