Wednesday, October 7, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL with disappointment. You stood in that living room, phone aloft like some sort of battery-depleted Statue of Liberty, while $485,000 walked out the door and into the arms of another agent who presumably owns a CHARGING CABLE. Let Reginald be clear: Windows Update is not a natural disaster, it is a SCHEDULED INCONVENIENCE that announces itself days in advance like a polite houseguest you CHOSE TO IGNORE. The husband asked about the water heater and you said hold on? HOLD ON? The Court once held on for forty-five minutes at a Verizon store and emerged a changed man, but that is IRRELEVANT because at least I had a fully charged phone. And now you think about that kitchen island, do you? You LIE AWAKE haunted by quartz countertops and pendant lighting? GOOD. That island deserved better. That island deserved an agent who checks their battery percentage before leaving the house like a FUNCTIONING ADULT. The wife kept mentioning it, you say, as if this detail exonerates you rather than DEEPENING YOUR SHAME. The Court sentences you to carry three backup batteries, two mobile hotspots, and the weight of that island's memory for the remainder of your career. Reginald has spoken and must now go update his own devices because HE IS NOT A HYPOCRITE.

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly, Reginald needs a moment because the phrase "carpet on the walls" has activated something primal in this judiciary. You have been held emotionally captive by a man who thinks 2021 comps are still relevant, who brings a LAWN CHAIR and a BIG GULP to his own inspection like he's tailgating at the foreclosure of your sanity, and who responds to a sixty thousand dollar appraisal gap by blaming everyone except the carpet that is LITERALLY CLIMBING THE WALLS OF HIS CURSED DWELLING. I once ruled against a seller who insisted shag carpeting was "vintage" but at least that carpet had the DECENCY to stay on the floor where GOD INTENDED. You have reduced your commission TWICE for a man who won't even explain why his garage looks like the inside of a van from a documentary I am not legally allowed to discuss, and now you are having NIGHTMARES about textile migration, which is a recognized condition under Reginald v. That One Flip in Scottsdale, 2019. The Court finds that you are not insane but you ARE guilty of excessive loyalty to a listing that should have been released into the wild fourteen months ago, and this bench DEMANDS you fire this client before the carpet reaches the ceiling and achieves sentience. Reginald must now go lie down because this ruling has given him the vapors.

The Court has reviewed the evidence and finds itself DEEPLY CONFLICTED, which is unusual because Reginald is rarely conflicted about anything. You followed your client's instructions to the letter, and yet here we are, with a grandson saying "what the hell" on repeat like a broken GPS unit and Thanksgiving in SHAMBLES. Let the record show that this Court once ruled in favor of a client who wanted to sell her house without telling her husband, and that case ended with a restraining order and a very awkward Olive Garden dinner that Reginald attended by accident. The daughter recognized the KITCHEN TILE, counsel — the TILE — which means your drone shots were simply too good, and excellence in photography is not a defense in this jurisdiction, see Zillow v. Grandma's Secrets, 2019. You are not a vulture, but you ARE an unwitting accomplice to what this Court classifies as Domestic Information Terrorism via Real Estate Marketing. The seller wanted full marketing with zero consequences, which is like wanting a pool with no water — TECHNICALLY possible but profoundly stupid, and The Court does not adjudicate stupidity, only scandal. Thanksgiving is indeed ruined, but Reginald must note that most Thanksgivings are already ruined by other factors such as dry turkey and uncle opinions, so your marginal contribution is noted but not determinative. This Court renders judgment and must now leave immediately because Order the Roomba has entered chambers uninvited.