Thursday, October 8, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly Reginald needs a moment because THIS IS THE MOST EGREGIOUS CASE OF PHANTOM BUYER SYNDROME I have seen since In re: That Guy Who Was "Just Looking" For Eleven Years, 2019. You showed this man FORTY HOUSES while his mother sat in another state, blissfully unaware she was supposedly relocating, and HE STILL TEXTS YOU LISTINGS WITH NO MESSAGE like some kind of real estate sleep paralysis demon. The audacity, the SHEER JURISDICTIONAL CHAOS of representing a buyer who is not the buyer while the actual buyer has never seen a single property and quote DOES NOT WANT TO MOVE unquote — this is not a transaction, this is a hostage situation where YOU were the hostage and Michael was just vibing. I once had a client who insisted his dog was the decision-maker and at least the dog ATTENDED THE SHOWINGS, at least the dog had the decency to sniff the baseboards and indicate preference. Michael owes you eight months of Saturdays, fourteen months of psychological recovery, and The Court hereby orders him to stop texting you listings immediately or face prosecution under the Zillow Harassment Act of Made Up Right Now. This Court is adjourned because I need to go stand in my own kitchen and appreciate that I KNOW WHO OWNS IT.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself DEEPLY DISTURBED, not by your conduct, but by the sheer audacity of a seller who looked at a twenty-eight thousand dollar foundation crack and said "best I can do is five hundred" like they were negotiating at a flea market for a chipped vase. Reginald once purchased a decorative gavel stand for more than five hundred dollars, and that stand has NEVER concealed structural devastation beneath a rotting raccoon corpse. The buyer's mother's accusation that you were "hiding something" is particularly galling given that YOU ALSO JUST MET THE RACCOON, and The Court notes for the record that the internet has ruined everyone's ability to trust professionals while simultaneously convincing them that essential oils cure mortgages. This situation reminds me of Crawlspace v. Reasonable Expectations, 2019, where the court held that "no known foundation issues" becomes perjury the moment a human hand can pass through the foundation like it's a CARNIVAL ATTRACTION. The seller's twelve-year commitment to never once looking beneath their own home suggests a level of willful ignorance The Court has only seen in people who refuse to check their oil until the engine catches fire on the interstate. You are guilty only of being present when the universe decided to stack every possible catastrophe into a single Wednesday, and The Court must now adjourn because Order the Roomba has detected debris in the deliberation chamber and Reginald will not be upstaged by automated cleaning equipment.

The Court has reviewed this testimony and is FRANKLY APPALLED at the audacity of this phantom voicemail defense. Reginald has seen many things in his distinguished career — a seller who tried to exclude the foundation from a sale, a buyer who insisted on paying entirely in Kohl's Cash — but the GHOST VOICEMAIL GAMBIT is a new low even for this profession. Twenty years of experience, you say? Twenty years of PERFECTING THE ART OF STRATEGIC DISAPPEARANCE is what The Court hears. This reminds me of the landmark case of Actually Check Your Phone v. Pathological Liars, 2019, in which it was established that claiming to have left a voicemail when no voicemail exists is the real estate equivalent of saying your dog ate the contract EXCEPT THE DOG WAS ALSO IMAGINARY. The confession before this Court is not of guilt but of VICTIMHOOD, and The Court must note that first-time buyers losing four hundred dollars to inspect a house that was already SPIRITUALLY DECEASED is the kind of injustice that makes Reginald question why he even bothers maintaining his gavel collection. The opposing agent in this matter is hereby sentenced in absentia to eternal hold music and a lifetime of mysteriously dropped calls at critical moments. Case DISMISSED with prejudice against anyone who has ever uttered the phrase "I left you a voicemail" while knowing full well they did not.