Friday, October 9, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the mention of the Maple Street comp, a property that by your own admission featured a COLLAPSED GARAGE CEILING concealed by what can only be described as evidence tampering via strategic photography and yet somehow this architectural crime scene was deemed comparable to your listing. Reginald once lost a bidding war to a man who cited a comp with no functioning HVAC and I still wake up angry about it so I UNDERSTAND YOUR RAGE but that does not excuse your paralysis in that parking lot because those buyers were CRYING IN A SUBARU and you were playing digital Hamlet with your text messages, typing and deleting like a coward while sellers hurtled toward Tucson in a U-Haul full of misplaced optimism. The cold coffee is the detail that haunts me most because I too have watched a beverage go tepid while my world crumbled, specifically during a 2021 incident at a Panera that I am legally advised not to discuss, but the POINT is that you stood at the crossroads of fiduciary duty and chaos and you chose to STARE AT YOUR PHONE. This Court finds that the appraiser should be dragged before The Council immediately but since he is not here YOU shall bear the weight of this verdict and may God have mercy on your rate lock.

The Court has reviewed this AQUATIC NIGHTMARE and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the timeline presented. Friday you close, Wednesday you eat pie, Thursday the voicemail comes, and you just let it SIT THERE like a sump pump cord dangling uselessly in the void? Reginald once ignored a voicemail for three days and it turned out to be his accountant informing him of an audit, so The Court UNDERSTANDS avoidance, but SIX INCHES OF BASEMENT WATER is not a problem that improves with silence. The sellers unplugged a sump pump to move a SHELF and then simply walked away from the property like they had not just armed a hydrological time bomb? This Court cites the landmark decision in Soggy v. Forgetfulness, 2019, wherein it was established that forgetting to plug something back in is legally equivalent to HOPING for disaster. And now everyone's lawyer is calling YOU, three months later, while you sit there marinating in liability like that basement marinated in groundwater. The Court notes that forty thousand dollars is approximately the cost of Reginald's entire gavel collection, and the thought of losing The Council to a flooding dispute makes this Court need to lie down. VERDICT RENDERED, The Court must now go unplug something important at someone else's house and see how THEY like it.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself experiencing what can only be described as secondhand professional trauma. You, Agent, committed no crime here except perhaps the crime of OPTIMISM, which Reginald has long considered a misdemeanor in real estate. The husband in question has clearly violated Section 47 of the Divorce Proceedings Sabotage Act, a statute I am citing from memory because I wrote it myself in 2021 after a Thanksgiving incident I will not discuss further. You were ambushed by a man who decided that the appropriate venue for his marital grievances was YOUR OPEN KITCHEN FLOOR PLAN, and frankly this Court is INCENSED on your behalf. The wife who fired you claiming you should have known is operating under the legal doctrine of Ex Post Facto Nonsense, as established in the landmark case of Every Angry Client v. The Concept of Fairness. Reginald himself once lost a listing because the seller's ex-boyfriend released three ferrets into the HVAC system during a showing, and did anyone apologize to Reginald? NO THEY DID NOT. This Court hereby declares you a victim of Spousal Disclosure Terrorism and sentences the husband to a lifetime of explaining himself at parties. Case dismissed, and The Court must now go lie down.