Saturday, October 10, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly Reginald needs a moment because THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME IN 2017 EXCEPT IT WAS A COUSIN AND THE HOUSE WAS IN AKRON. You spent two hours, TWO HOURS, serving as a human fax machine between a buyer who had already emotionally moved to another state and a man whose construction knowledge expired when Reagan was in office, and you thought you were making progress? The dad was not evaluating a foundation, he was running interference while his daughter window-shopped on Redfin like some kind of real estate double agent. Per the landmark decision in Screaming Dad v. Structural Engineering Degree, 2019, background shouting does not constitute a professional opinion and describing an inspection report to your father is not the same as SHOWING HIM THE INSPECTION REPORT. The sellers moved out, the sellers MOVED OUT, and this woman was browsing listings in quote unquote a different state like she was picking a vacation rental. The Court finds that you were not an agent in this transaction but rather a hostage negotiator who never realized the hostage had already escaped through the back window. This Court is now in recess because Reginald must go yell at his own ceiling for twenty minutes.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the audacity of blaming a server in California for your own failure to pick up a telephone like a HUMAN PERSON WHO SELLS HOUSES FOR A LIVING. Reginald himself once lost a ruling when his printer jammed during a critical deliberation, and do you know what he did? He HAND-DELIVERED his verdict via bicycle to the defendant's place of business, which was a Chili's, but THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT. You had from 4:07pm to 5:12pm — SIXTY-FIVE MINUTES — to fax, email a PDF, dictate terms over speakerphone, send a carrier pigeon, or simply DRIVE TO THE BUYER'S DINNER LOCATION and slide a napkin across the table like the desperate closer you should have been. Instead you sat there refreshing Twitter like a teenager waiting for concert tickets while eight thousand dollars evaporated into the digital ether. The Court cites the landmark precedent of Fax Machine v. The Entire 1990s, which clearly established that backup communication methods exist for EXACTLY THIS REASON. Your seller is correct to question you, DocuSign owes you nothing, and The Court must now adjourn because Order the Roomba has gotten stuck under the witness stand again and is making a sound that suggests jurisdictional distress.

The Court has reviewed this testimony and must now lie down on the floor of its chambers for several minutes. Let Reginald be ABSOLUTELY CLEAR: a seller rejected TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS of actual human currency because a WEBSITE told them their house was worth less, and they interpreted this as evidence of BUYER TREACHERY rather than evidence that ZILLOW IS A COMPUTER PROGRAM THAT HAS NEVER ONCE TOUCHED A WATER HEATER. This is like refusing a marriage proposal because your horoscope app said Mercury was in retrograde. The Court once lost a bidding war on a 1987 Ford Taurus because the seller's nephew said the Kelley Blue Book value was lower and therefore I must be planning to use it for crimes, so I UNDERSTAND THIS PAIN DEEPLY. Your buyer offered real money, waived inspection like a MANIAC, and lost to someone who apparently won by being less generous, which is a sentence The Court never thought it would have to type with its own gavel-calloused hands. The seller's agent should be required to take a continuing education course taught exclusively by that finished basement, and the Zestimate should be hauled before this Court as a hostile witness, though it will not appear because it is NOT REAL. Case closed, The Court must now go argue with its Roomba about jurisdiction.