Wednesday, October 14, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession with the gravity it deserves, and Reginald must say, this is a SPECTACULAR mess that somehow involves zero actual malice on your part. You uploaded photos you believed were correct, your broker approved them, and now YOU are the one making apology calls while her nephew presumably continues to misfile photographs like some kind of chaos gremlin with a camera. This Court once ruled against a man for listing a basement as a bonus room when it was clearly just a basement with delusions of grandeur, but YOUR situation is different because you are clearly the fall guy in what I can only describe as a FAMILY COVERUP OF PHOTOGRAPHIC INCOMPETENCE. The broker hired him, the broker approved the photos, and yet somehow YOU are the one being blamed, which reminds me of the time my HOA fined ME for a fence violation when the fence belonged to my neighbor who happened to be the HOA president's cousin, and let me tell you I have NEVER recovered emotionally. As established in Thompson v. That One Zillow Listing With the Suspiciously Blue Pool, 2019, liability flows UPWARD to whoever created the conditions for disaster, and your broker created a RIVER of conditions. However, you still technically committed the crime of having your name on a listing with fraudulent imagery, so The Court finds you guilty but sentences you to absolutely nothing because frankly you have suffered enough and also Reginald has a dentist appointment he suddenly remembers exists.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself in a RARE state of almost understanding the defendant's actions, which is DEEPLY unsettling to Reginald. Let the record show that buyers who walk over a quarter point while LITERALLY holding a pen deserve to wander the MLS wilderness for forty years, eating nothing but Zestimates and drinking from the bitter well of their own indecision. HOWEVER, and this is where The Court must compose itself, you cannot simply withhold inventory like some kind of listing dragon hoarding properties in your cave of spite. I once refused to return a neighbor's casserole dish for six months because she said my lawn was "fine," and you know what happened? I became the villain of the cul-de-sac, and that Pyrex haunts me still. The seller lost twelve thousand dollars, the new buyers got a worse rate, and you got exactly what you wanted: the hollow satisfaction of saying "no" to people who wronged you. The Federal Reserve DOES control rates, your seller was UNHINGED to blame you, but you, defendant, you chose violence when you could have chosen commission. This Court finds you guilty but will not pretend it wouldn't have done the same thing, and THAT is why Reginald must now excuse himself to sit alone with his thoughts.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the sheer cascade of preventable catastrophe contained herein. You stood there, a licensed professional, and watched your client reject a CASH OFFER FIVE THOUSAND OVER ASKING because she wanted to see what the weekend would bring. The weekend brought NOTHING, counsel, as weekends so often do when we ask too much of them. I myself once waited an entire weekend for my neighbor to return my hedge trimmer and he moved to Arizona instead, so The Court understands hubris. But then, THEN, we arrive at the nephew. The unpermitted, moisture-ignoring, mold-entombing nephew, who looked at a damp wall and said yes, this is where drywall belongs. As established in Basement Nephew v. Literally Any Licensed Contractor, 2019, family labor is not a discount, it is a DELAYED INVOICE PAID IN TEARS. And when your client called you, a person bound by law and ethics, and asked whether you should simply PAINT OVER FUNGAL EVIDENCE AND LIE TO BUYERS, you responded with silence. Reginald does not accept silence as a defense. Silence is not strategy, silence is surrender, silence is what my Roomba does when it encounters a sock and I find that UNACCEPTABLE. You should have said no. You should have said absolutely not. You should have said I am terminating this relationship and may God have mercy on your spore-riddled soul. Instead you sat there, and sitting is not a legal position recognized by this Court.