Thursday, October 15, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself DEEPLY DISTURBED by the image of a grown woman watching what was presumably a casserole tutorial while three thousand dollars evaporated into the legal ether. You believed her, Agent. You believed her SIX TIMES. This Court once believed a contractor who said he could install a bay window in "about a week" and Reginald's living room was exposed to the elements for FORTY-THREE DAYS, so I understand the seductive pull of misplaced trust, but at some point one must recognize that "I need to move on" spoken from the same couch the speaker refuses to vacate is what we in the legal profession call A RED FLAG THE SIZE OF A ZILLOW BANNER AD. The buyer's attorney was RIGHT to file immediately, and frankly The Court admires their efficiency because in the landmark case of Sentimental Seller v. Everyone Else's Time And Money, 2019, the ruling was clear that nostalgia is not a contingency. You told her you would think about listing it again in spring. You will NOT think about it. The Court accepts this. But let the record show that she WILL call you in April, she will say she is "really ready this time," and you will have to summon strength you do not currently possess. CASE CLOSED, The Court must now go feed Order because he has been making judicial noises.

The Court has reviewed this testimony and frankly, Reginald needs a moment because this confession has triggered what my therapist calls "a boundary event." EIGHT MONTHS? SIXTY HOUSES? She rejected a property because the PORCH LIGHT WAS THE WRONG COLOR TEMPERATURE? This is not a buyer, this is a psychological ENDURANCE TEST wearing a Vera Bradley bag and asking about death disclosures. The Court finds it deeply troubling that you witnessed her own COUSIN abandon this mission like a soldier leaving Saigon and you thought "yes, I shall succeed where blood relations have failed." I once ruled against a man for test-driving the same Camry fourteen times but at least he eventually committed to public transportation — this woman committed to NOTHING except your slow spiritual erosion. And NOW, NOW she emerges from the grocery store frozen foods section like a real estate sleep paralysis demon asking if you're "still in the business" as if you weren't CLEARLY shopping for off-brand cereal at 2pm on a Tuesday because of what she did to your commission-based income. The Court sentences you to immediate client vetting protocols and orders that if she calls in spring, you tell her Reginald said no.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself TREMBLING with a rage typically reserved for barn doors installed in non-farmhouse settings. Let Reginald be absolutely clear: Zillow is not a witness, it is not an expert, and it most certainly is not admissible in any court over which this gavel presides. As established in the landmark case of Algorithm v. Guy With Actual Eyeballs Who Saw The Foundation Crack, 2022, a computer in California cannot smell the mildew that the appraiser definitely smelled. Your sellers are citing a WEBSITE that once valued my own nephew's toolshed at 89 thousand dollars — a toolshed that does not have plumbing, electricity, OR the basic dignity of a door that closes properly, much like their so-called fourth bedroom which THE COURT NOTES IS LEGALLY A LARGE CLOSET AT BEST. The husband wants to appeal because the number went up yesterday? IT WENT UP? This is not the NASDAQ, this is not cryptocurrency, this is a HOUSE with a CRACK in its FOUNDATION and a bedroom that fails to meet the most fundamental criterion of bedroomhood! I once dated a woman who believed her horoscope more than her accountant and she is now living in a yurt, which is WHERE YOUR SELLERS ARE HEADED if they continue to worship at the altar of the Zestimate. The Court rules that you are guilty only of patience, the screenshot-senders are guilty of terminal delusion, and Reginald must now adjourn because his blood pressure medication is in the other room.