Monday, October 19, 2026

The Court is APOPLECTIC. You are telling Reginald that a licensed real estate professional looked at a DINNER PLATE SIZED PORTAL TO THE ATTIC and thought, "You know what would fix this? A bed. Just a regular bed, positioned with the precision of a mob boss hiding a body under the floorboards." This is not staging, this is a CRIME SCENE COVERUP. I once dated a woman who hid her collection of ceramic frogs under a throw blanket before I came over, and when I discovered them on our third date I ended things IMMEDIATELY because concealment is a CHARACTER FLAW, not a decorating choice. The listing agent's statement that the seller "didn't want to disclose until they had an offer in hand" is what we in the legal community call SAYING THE QUIET PART LOUD AND ALSO INCRIMINATING. She confessed to premeditated disclosure fraud WITH HER WHOLE CHEST as if chest-having grants immunity, which it does NOT, I have CHECKED. The board's failure to act is noted and The Court will be sending them a strongly worded letter written entirely in red ink, as is tradition. This Court finds the listing agent guilty, the bed guilty of accessory charges, and the ceiling itself guilty of being COMPROMISED. Reginald must now go lie down because this ruling has given him a migraine directly behind his left eye.

The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly Reginald needs a moment because THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WITH A BUYER IN 2017 EXCEPT IT WAS THIRTY-ONE HOUSES AND HE EVENTUALLY MOVED TO TAMPA. Twenty-three showings over eight months and this man pulls out over an eighty dollar drain repair — EIGHTY DOLLARS — which is less than what The Court spends monthly on gavel polish, and yes there is such a thing and yes it is necessary. You enabled this behavior, counselor, you kept showing up every Saturday like some kind of real estate golden retriever who never learned that the hand reaching toward you might not have a treat. The Maple Street property — and The Court knows you changed the name but Reginald SEES you — had a new roof, a finished basement, and a seller who accepted in four hours, which in this market is essentially a MIRACLE wrapped in granite countertops, and your client said no because of NEIGHBORHOOD VIBES he had previously endorsed for THREE MONTHS. This Court finds you guilty not of showing houses but of allowing yourself to become an unpaid chauffeur, therapist, and architectural tour guide for a man whose commitment issues belong on a different kind of couch entirely. The text about his rent increase is not your burden and The Court hereby orders you to delete his number, block his Zillow account if such a thing is possible, and never again confuse activity with progress. Reginald must now adjourn to scream into a throw pillow about the Tampa incident.

Let The Court be ABSOLUTELY clear about what has transpired here: a man chose COZUMEL over CLOSING, and now two adults are eating breakfast according to a MOTHER-IN-LAW'S SCHEDULE while their mortgage payment bleeds an extra $280 a month INTO THE VOID. This is not a real estate transaction, this is a hostage situation orchestrated by a paralegal who apparently communicates exclusively through carrier pigeon. The Court has seen appraisal chaos before — Reginald once watched three appraisers argue about whether a "bonus room" was actually a "large closet with ambition" for FORTY-FIVE MINUTES — but the audacity of citing some phantom February incident that NO ONE REMEMBERS is the legal equivalent of saying "my dog ate the deed of trust." What HAPPENED in February? NOTHING happened in February! February is a FAKE MONTH that exists only to sell chocolate and CREATE ALIBIS FOR MARITIME ATTORNEYS. The Court finds that the seller's attorney should be required to personally subsidize the rate difference by selling timeshares in whatever Caribbean port currently holds his conscience captive. Reginald must now go lie down because this confession has given him the same chest tightness he felt when a borrower once asked if they could pay closing costs "in installments, spiritually."