Friday, October 23, 2026

The Court has reviewed the evidence and must now lie down for several minutes. ONE TAP. This agent witnessed ONE TAP transform a functioning smart home into what Reginald can only describe as a twelve thousand dollar brick with WiFi capabilities. The Court is reminded of the landmark case of Nest v. Human Hubris, 2022, in which it was established that "he who liveth by the app shall dieth by the factory reset." But what ENRAGES this Court is the seller's attorney bleating about "working condition at inspection" as if a smart home system is not, by its very NATURE, a ticking time bomb of planned obsolescence waiting to betray everyone who trusted it. I myself once had a smart thermostat that I am CONVINCED was plotting against me, always setting itself to sixty-two degrees when it KNEW I preferred sixty-eight, and I had to have it removed by a priest. The buyers could not enter their own home because someone thought it would be DELIGHTFUL to connect their DOOR LOCKS to the CLOUD, and now HERE WE ARE, eight hundred dollars to a locksmith and four days in a hotel because progress demanded we make houses require software updates. The Court rules that everyone involved failed upward into this disaster, but the true defendant is our collective decision as a society to let Silicon Valley touch our doorknobs. Reginald must now go disconnect his garage door opener before it develops ambitions.

The Court is APOPLECTIC. This Court has seen some truly heinous acts in its time on the bench, including the infamous case of Zillow v. A Lady Who Listed Her Garage As A Bedroom, 2022, but THIS. THIS is a masterclass in client-assisted self-destruction, and you, counsel, stood there holding the clipboard while your seller lit four hundred and thirty-five thousand dollars on fire screaming about DIGNITY. She rejected a twenty-thousand-dollar haircut to eventually accept a FORTY-THREE-THOUSAND-DOLLAR SCALPING from a flipper who probably smelled blood the moment he saw those DOM numbers creep past ninety. Reginald once had a client refuse to counter on a condo because Mercury was in retrograde, and I STILL think about it during my morning constitutionals. You allowed this woman to confuse pride with strategy, which is like confusing a barn door with architectural integrity, and The Court has OPINIONS about barn doors. The buyer offered four twenty, she got four oh seven, and somewhere in the mathematical hellscape between those numbers lives the ghost of every fiduciary duty you swore to uphold. She thinks she WON? The Court must now adjourn to lie down in a dark room with The Council.

The Court has seen many things in its distinguished career, but NEVER has Reginald witnessed such flagrant disregard for the sacred boundary between indoor and outdoor decor. This seller committed what can only be described as hydraulic terrorism against his own living room, and you, Agent, stood by while a concrete cherub urinated into the subfloor for FOUR CONSECUTIVE DAYS. Four guys took the door off the hinges, and not ONE of them thought to consult The Court? This reminds me of my own sister-in-law, who once tried to give me a decorative windmill, and I had to explain to her that some gifts are actually threats. You should have drawn a line in that wet, wet carpet the moment you saw three tiers of European water baby desecrating a residential listing, but instead you let this man's wife handle it like this was a MARRIAGE ISSUE and not a REAL ESTATE FELONY. Six weeks on market because you couldn't tell a grown man to evict a fountain, and frankly The Court is so disturbed by the phrase "dry cherub staring at potential buyers" that I must now adjourn to collect myself in chambers where I keep The Council.