Sunday, October 25, 2026

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the audacity of both parties involved. You paid eight thousand American dollars for advice your grandmother could have given you for free over a plate of cookies, and frankly, Grandma would have included better follow-up support. This so-called coach committed what Reginald recognizes from the landmark case of Every Real Estate Guru Ever v. Your Bank Account, 2019, as classic Sphere Harassment Doctrine wrapped in a testimonial sandwich. I myself once paid four hundred dollars for a seminar called "Unlock Your Judicial Potential" and the entire curriculum was "bang gavel harder" — I KNOW THIS PAIN, but I did not pay eight thousand dollars for it, you absolute rube. The fact that his assistant had the UNMITIGATED AUDACITY to ask about renewal suggests this man operates with the same moral framework as a carnival goldfish vendor. However, The Court must note that you continued this charade for three months, which means somewhere around month two you looked in the mirror and chose denial over dignity. This Court hereby sentences you to never again purchase anything advertised during a webinar, and orders the coaching program to be reclassified as what it actually is: an expensive phone tree with motivational music. Reginald must now adjourn to call his own sphere and ask if anyone needs adjudication.

The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the audacity of Derek and his allegedly discounted bass boat. Let the record show that in Escrow v. Impulse Purchases Made During Escrow, this Court established that any financed recreational vehicle acquired within thirty days of closing constitutes what we in the legal community call "financial self-sabotage with aquatic characteristics." You stood there, agent, while a marriage dissolved over speakerphone in a kitchen that would never belong to these people, and you did NOTHING except presumably check your watch and wonder if the other six looky-loos were pre-approved. Reginald himself once lost a closing because a buyer adopted seven ferrets the week before funding, and do you know what I did? I wept in a Panera for forty-five minutes and then I MOVED ON. The fact that this woman left her purse on the island and you failed to chase her down screaming "MA'AM YOUR WALLET AND ALSO YOUR DIGNITY" is a dereliction of pastoral duty. That she later hired you to list the marital home suggests either profound forgiveness or the specific madness that descends upon the recently divorced. The Court demands to know about the boat, and frankly so does Order, who has been circling the bench in what I can only describe as concerned loops. This Court is adjourned because Reginald has a showing at two and these robes need dry cleaning.

The Court is APPALLED, truly APPALLED, that in the year of our Lord we have licensed professionals who cannot be bothered to pick up a TELEPHONE before emotionally carpet-bombing a grieving widow with a 45-thousand-dollar insult wrapped in a FORM LETTER. You knew the sellers were motivated and your response was to treat that vulnerability like a clearance bin at HomeGoods, just grabbing whatever number felt fun and FLINGING it across the MLS with all the care of a man returning a Redbox DVD. Reginald himself once lowballed a seller by twelve dollars at a garage sale and the shame STILL haunts him at night, so imagine, IMAGINE, doing this to a woman standing in her dead mother's kitchen wondering why strangers think her childhood home is worth mockery. One phone call, counsel, ONE CALL, and you would have learned that perhaps, just PERHAPS, the three-bedroom with the motivated sellers had a story attached to it that deserved more than your apparent strategy of "let's see what happens" which is NOT a negotiation tactic, it is what teenagers say before combining Mentos and Diet Coke. The CMA complaint is frankly the LEAST of your problems because you have committed the cardinal sin of this profession which is forgetting that houses are not spreadsheets, they are WHERE PEOPLE LIVED AND LOVED AND APPARENTLY DIED. The Court sentences you to make one unnecessary phone call per day for six months until human connection feels natural again, and also to write "I will not form-letter grief" on a chalkboard until your buyers forgive you, which they will not.